'A TALE OF TWO CHUCKS' DOUBLE BILL! 075.- ASSASSINATION (1987, AMAZON PRIME). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL.
The same year "Death Wish 4: The Crackdown" was released (arguably the better movie of the two), Charles Bronson co-starred with his wife Jill Ireland for the 16th and final time in the only 'PG-13' movie of Bronson's entire career. Directed by Peter Hunt ("On Her Majesty's Secret Service"), "Assassination" has Charles playing Jay Killian ('Killy'), a presidential bodyguard re-assigned to protect the new, openly-defiant-of-protocol First Lady Lara Royce Craig (Ireland) from a series of attempts on her life. This being Cannon, the threats come from one-dimensional bad guys whose target may or may not be Killian himself. Jan Gan Boyd stands out from the supporting cast as Charlotte Chang, a fellow secret service bodyguard who is sleeping with Killian and is jealous of all the time 'One Momma' gets to spend with her 'future husband.' 🥲😁It's not as bloody or violent as the typical Cannon 80's movie, but it's still plenty goofy (the rocket-firing motorcycle from "Delta Force" makes a cameo battling an RPG-firing terrorist) and watchable. Only Cannon would have the first lady and her bodyguard driving cross-country on motorcycles, dodging rockets and running straight into an incoming train. A box office dud that found its audience on home video and cable TV, "Assassination" is worth 88 minutes of your time. 3.25 RECYCLED MUSIC CUES FROM "INVASION USA" (out of five).
Rest in Peace, Chuck Norris.🥺😭 Even as it was imploding its way into insolvency in the early 90's, Cannon kept riding the Norris action train 'till the bitter end. Directed by his brother Aaron ("Sidekicks"), "The Hitman" is a darker, more violent, borderline-noir action flick than we're used to seeing Chuck in. It was originally intended as a Charles Bronson vehicle, which may explain the tonal whiplash (and absence of any martial arts fighting). After surviving an attempt on his life by backstabbing partner Ronny Delaney (Michael Parks, making a meal out of some great lines of dialogue), detective Cliff Garrett (Norris sporting an epic mullet) re-surfaces years later as a hitman in the Seattle underground. Different crime syndicates want to hire Cliff, but he's now a deep undercover agent trying to bring them all down while tracking down Delaney's whereabouts. Like clockwork, every 10 minutes or so (a) somebody gets shot/killed (usually a bullet to the head) and (b) characters do massive exposition dumps just so the audience has an idea what's happening in the convoluted plot.
For a low-budget, early 90's picture "The Hitman" looks great (courtesy of "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter's" cinematographer João Fernandes) and packs a lot in 95 minutes. It's fun to see Chuck manhandle Iranians ('You really eat this shit?'), Canadians and all types of mobster ethnicities. It wouldn't be a Norris flick if he didn't befriend a bullied teen he can teach how to defend himself from racist bullies. And of course said teen's life has to be threatened for our hero to have an even more fiery final showdown with the remaining bad guys that haven't yet murdered one another. Come for the expected Chuck Norris badassery, stay to hear Michael Parks recite lines of dialogue like 'I'm so goddamn horny I could f**k mud! or 'It's so goddamn cold, my dick's like a short stack of buttons. 😳😂🤣 3.5 AQUARIUM DOLPHINS BATHED IN BLUE LIGHTING (out of five).
The trajectory of the career of Joao Fernandez is an interesting one. He began shooting films in the a-d-u-l-t world (prominently with Gerard Damiano) in the 1970s. The B-movie world was next, which introduced him to Chuck Norris. Fernandez would work on many of Norris' projects into the 1990s.
CANNON'S 'NINJA' TRILOGY IN 4K! 077.- ENTER THE NINJA (1981, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, FAWESOME, MGM+.
While it deserves recognition for being one of the earliest action movies to bring the concept of ninjas to mainstream audiences (and a rare instance of director Menahem Golan creating a trend rather than chasing after one), "Enter the Ninja" is one of the few Cannon flicks that diminishes every time I rewatch it. Maybe I'm so used to seeing Shô Kosugi as the good guy in his latter movies it's hard for me to buy him here as Hasegawa, evil ninja for hire working for 'Human Cigarrette' Christopher George. Maybe Franco Nero is too macho to help himself with the willing wife (Susan George) of bestie Alex (Alex Courtney), or the final duel between top-tier ninja masters takes forever and feels like a weak climax. It doesn't help that "Enter the Ninja" looks identical in 4K and Blu-ray, making me regret the purchase of the UHD box set. Should have bought the last two separately in 4K and kept the old BD of the first. Oh well, live and learn. 2.85 UPPER-LEVEL SWIMMING POOLS IN AN OFFICE COMPLEX (out of five).
078.- REVENGE OF THE NINJA (1983, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, MGM+.
The king arrives! 😅 Simply put, "Revenge of the Ninja" is the greatest ninja movie ever made. It sets a tone early when the family of Japanese ninja Cho Osaki (Shô Kosugi, looking/fighting like a total badass) is slaughtered by ninja assassins... in plain daylight (a Sam Firstenberg special). Convinced by American friend/business partner Dave Hatcher (Keith Vitali) to come to the United States to raise his one surviving son (Kane Kosugi), Osaki relocates to California (aka Salt Lake City). Eventually Cho realizes Hatcher is using his doll business to smuggle drugs and was responsible for his family's massacre. Early mini-rampages (against Village People-lookalike henchmen and warehouse robbers) lead to the death of Osaki's mother (stunt granny!) and abduction of his son. The final act of "Revenge" is the type of ninja action spectacle fans dream of. A charismatic lead wronged by a-hole bad guys that deserve their bloody comeuppance? Stunts where low-budget practical ingenuity outweighs lack of resources? A duel between equals atop a rooftop full of traps/hiding places? All that, plus Professor Toru Tanaka chasing after lil' Kane Kosugi to even the odds... for the former! 😁Not a giant leap from 1080p to 4K, but anything extra is just gravy. 5 MOUTHFULS OF DEADLY JACKS' SHARP METAL STARS (out of five).
079.- NINJA III: THE DOMINATION (1984, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, MGM+.
While "Revenge" is the best overall ninja movie ever made, "Ninja III: The Domination" is the most Cannon-esque ninja flick the studio ever conceived. Only Cannon would front-load an action flick with the best action set-piece, a ninja assassin (David Chung's Black Ninja) set loose on a golf course (in bright daylight!) killing/avoiding other golfers, helicopters, policemen, etc. It's glorious mayhem, and while no other action set-piece later tops it that doesn't mean the action slows down. Shô Kosugi's returns as the lead, but his Yamada character takes a backseat for most of the narrative to Christie ("Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo's" Lucinda Dickey), a telephone worker/aerobics instructor who happens to be the vessel to which 'Black Ninja' attached his dying spirit when his body gave way after all the ammo fired at the end of "The Wild Bunch" penetrated him.😉😁 Too many highlights to mention (V8 juice spilled on chest, demonic exorcism straight jacket swinging, floating ninja sword with light show, etc.), all leading to a final showdown between Yamada and 'Black Ninja' (no girls allowed, sorry Lucinda 😠) that sent Kosugi to heaven, aka more 80's ninja movies released by a different studio. 4K upgrade is the best of the three. 4.5 NINJA WEAPON HIDEOUTS WITH BUILT-IN LIGHT DISPLAYS... IN A CAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT (out of five).
Undoubtedly one of the most unique movies made by Cannon. Those upstart Israeli cousins in Hollywood were seemingly willing to try any strange story combination. Sam Firstenberg was also a very capable director, which, as you know, not every director who worked for the company was.
If you already own the "Ninja" trilogy on BD the 4K improvements are minimal at worst ("Enter"), noticeable at best ("Ninja III"). KL 4K box set's overpriced, IMO, but individual 4K releases on sale are tempting, indeed. 😛😚
BONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 14! 080.- THE RETURN OF THE PINK PANTHER (1975, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO, ROKU TV, YOUTUBE.
11 years after "A Shot In The Dark" and financed by independent producers because United Artists wouldn't bet on Blake Edwards and Peter Sellers after each had major career slumps in the early 70's (hence this being the only entry in the series controlled by Universal and not MGM until recently), "Revenge of the Pink Panther" ushers in the era (ERA!) most viewers/casual fans of these movies are familiar with. The Pink Panther diamond is stolen again, and all evidence points to The Phantom as the likely thief... except the retired Charles Litton (Christopher Plummer, taking over the role after David Niven turned it down) didn't do it, but is forced to find out who did to clear his name. Demoted to patrolman by Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) but re-instated to inspector rank by the president of France to aid in the search of the stolen diamond, Jacques Clouseau (Peter Sellers firing on all cylinders) is led around the nose by Litton's wife, Claudine (Catherine Schell), to let Charles go underground to find out who is setting him up. It's two movies in one, a fairly straight crime caper with Sir Litton (couple of goofy scenes with Graham Stark's Pepi getting his fingers mangled) and a 'walking disaster area' slapstick comedy (at times bordering on farce) whenever Clouseau is set loose in a hotel room or his own apartment (where Burt Kwouk's manservant Cato is ready to attack at any moment). 😅🥰
If you grew up watching free movies on commercial TV from the late 70's to the early 90's you've probably seen "Revenge" a bunch of times (Saturday afternoon, late night, etc.). It's quintessential 70's action comedy, safe enough to earn a 'G' rating but slick enough to sneak in a few sexual innuendos lost in Clouseau's thick accent (thank God for closed captioning). Broad comedic set-pieces (Clouseau versus a vacuum cleaner, tailing Lady Litton through Gstaad in Switzerland, etc.) co-exist with small ones (Catherine Schell unable to keep a straight face during Sellers' dialogue 😍), building on both the unfulfilled potential of the three previous live-action entries and the popularity of the animated series that kept the franchise alive in the minds of movie fans for two decades. A must-see entry in the series.
ANIMATED INTRO OPENING: 5 DISAPPEARING 'GEOFFREY UNSWORTH' STAIR-STEPPING NAMES (out of five). Simply put, the best animated opening to a live-action comedy ever made. Richard Williams and Ken Harris lead a team of animators that pay homage to classic Hollywood (Frankenstein's monster, Groucho Mark, Mickey Mouse skirting copyright, etc.) while indulging in the glamour of mid-70's jetset excess. The closing credits sequence with the Panther breaking into Dreyfus' padded cell is nice, but the opening steals the show.
MOVIE RATING: 4.45 TRUCKS WITHOUT BRAKES CRASHING INTO THE SAME POOL (out of five).
There is so much to choose from when it comes to Cannon movies. 52 Pick-Up got the nod today because it has been on my watchlist for a long time, and it has a very intriguing cast. Plus, veteran director John Frankenheimer is at the helm. Despite the sordid story the film tells, the talent behind it gives 52 Pick-Up a class that most Cannon projects could only dream of.
Roy Scheider is a businessman being blackmailed for an affair with a nude model (Kelly Preston). Unfortunately for his wife (Ann-Margaret), she gets drawn in to the scheme when Roy decides not to play nice with the blackmailers. Things get nasty and sleazy very quickly. Adding to the fun is a supporting cast (Vanity, Clarence Williams III) with interesting characters to play. The action of the film takes you on a tour around mid-1980s L.A.
Although the film is a tad overlong, there was enough happening to keep me engaged. I was entertained by the increasingly ridiculous twists as the conclusion neared. A worthy Junesploitation watch.
A period film about an aristocratic lady from the director who brought the Death Wish franchise into existence? I have been curious about this one for a while. Faye Dunaway is the wicked lady, scheming her way into a marriage with an aristrocrat. Bored by her married life, she takes up the hobby of robbing carriages on the local roads. The life of a highwayman has its complications, though.
The Wicked Lady has all of the trappings of a period drama, full of beautiful costumes and old locations. The drama, however, can switch to comedy quite quickly, and scenes of gratuitous n-u-d-i-t-y pop up once in while to offer a some out-of-the-blue titillation. These tonal switches do not help the narrative. The cinematography is from the revered Jack Cardiff, whose talent for creating striking images is seen throughout the film.
Is The Wicked Lady worth a look? Maybe it is as a Cannon deep cut or an odd-ball project in Michael Winner's career. For most general movie fans or people seeking a "Cannon" experience, the film will probably not be a satisfying watch.
American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987, dir. Sam Firstenberg)
Inject this pure Cannon goodness into my veins! More silly and overtly comical than the first movie. It's basically a live-action version of an arcade beat-em-up. Seriously, our heroes fight the same crew of tuffs three times within the first 45 minutes in different settings. The premise is so ludicrous, even for a Cannon movie. A scientist is working on curing cancer and accidentally creates super-ninjas. HUH?! And during the villainous presentation where the head baddie shows off his super-ninja army to his evil cadre, the head evil henchmen comes out and kills like 35 of them easily. What is the purpose of this demonstration? To show how crappy his product is? God I love the combo of Michael Dudikoff and Steve James. James in particular appears to be having the time of his LIFE in this movie. I loved it!
A lazy teenager from a rich family doesn't feel like attending prep school, so he hires young hustler Eddie (Judd Nelson) to go in his place. But it gets harder to keep up appearances when Eddie falls in love with the least attainable girl in school and a loan shark (Andrew Dice Clay) comes to collect on Eddie's debts.
A pretty basic 80's teen comedy in good and in bad, there's some fun hijinks to be had here and all the stuffy people get their comeuppance by the end, but it's really unfocused and the lead character's motivations and priorities shift for no apparent reason from scene to scene. Clay (credited as Andrew Clay and playing a character called Dice) is good at playing assholes, and Walter Olkewicz (a.k.a. Twin Peaks' Jacques Renault) steals the show as the school sports coach.
Weirdly, the movie ends with a promise of a sequel, but looks like that never happened (at least not with the same actors). Well, wouldn't be the first time Cannon announced something but didn't deliver.
THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982) dir. Boaz Davidson
Maybe my favorite New Beverly Cinema celebrity interactions was the time I was in line behind Diane Franklin for about a half hour waiting for the lobby to open and listening to her talk to a friend about making this movie.
She was there for a screening of HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE and struck me as someone just being a normal person wanting to see a movie she was in that hadn’t screened for over 30 years. She didn’t intro the movie. I almost asked her about Better Off Dead but then she mentioned to her friend how annoying most of the BOD fans were.
Okay, got it. Must happen often in big cities with large movie industries. I've been in line to movie screenings in NYC with Frank Whaley, Holt McCallany, Eric Bogosian, etc. (and their significant others) and, like everyone else on the line, I ignored them. 🥸
My lone encounter - a very long distance encounter- with a celebrity at a theater was Tom Savini. He attended a screening of Jason and The Argonauts at a theater around Pittsburgh in 2013. I noticed him when he was leaving the screening. Some people had approached him by then, and he seemed to be telling them that he wanted to be left alone.
Having people approach you like that must be difficult. I recently read an article about one of the K-Pop Demon Hunters singers (Ejae) discussing the experience of fame. That is one of the most awkward aspects for her.
HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1984) A heavy metal band is murdered by a cult, only to rise from the dead and wreak havoc. It’s way more comedy than horror. The cultists are like the Texas Chainsaw family, but silly. (Okay, sillier.) And there’s a good chunk of time spent on a bumbling town council trying to ban rock music, which goes nowhere. A lot of the gags are trying for shock value, only making them eye-rolly by today’s standards. Remember how ‘80s movies used to put an entire music video in the middle of the movie as a montage or a performance? This one does that multiple times. I want to appreciate the wackiness of it, but the jokes wear themselves thin real quick, and I ended up bored.
30 days of fan films, day 14: YOUNG AVENGERS (2017) Wiccan, Stature, Speed, and Kate Bishop juggle teen life with superhero life, eventually running afoul of S.H.I.E.L.D. and two surprise villains. The action scenes are sloppy but endearing in their homemade attempts to recreate the look of the Marvel movies. But, really, this one’s about the teen melodrama, which is abundant. It’s extremely amateur, but that’s part of the charm.
A profoundly silly swords-and-sorcery jam starring the Barbarian Brothers. A wandering tribe of jugglers and musicians (we don't really get to see any of that) gets raided by an evil warlord, their hot queen enslaved and their magical ruby lost. Years later, two young boys from the tribe grow up to be big (so big) and set out on a quest to right all the wrongs. (Somehow, no one but them has aged a day in all this time, but that's ok.) Despite being big (so big), the bros act like a pair of 8-year-olds, and their goofy, pro-wrestler energy keeps things from becoming too serious even for a second. I'm not sure if Deodato's particular talents weren't wasted on such child-friendly fare, but who am I to question Cannon's logic.
I was going to try for a never-seen Cannon classics triple feature, but I think this is all I will get to today.
I have started this one a couple of times before, but this is the first time I got all the way through. Hoy Boy am I glad I did! For the most part I'm not a fan of the songs, but the the productions, the costumes, the overall craziness was great. Loved the Ballet 2000 scene and what can only accurately be called the 0rgy musical number with lyrics less subtle than a Prince song. And that ending!
Judd Stevens (Roger Moore) is a respected psychiatrist, but his life begins to slowly unravel when one of his patients is murdered and the investigating police officer focuses on him as the prime suspect because of an old grudge.
The plot escalates into something a little ridiculous by the end, but doesn't go far enough with it. The very last scene is just dumb. Moore is quite good as the lead and Rod Steiger's convincing as an angry, racist, homophobic cop, but Elliot Gould sleepwalks through his role as his partner. Art Carney has a fun turn as a perpetually drunk private detective, and I was delighted to see David Hedison play Moore's brother-in-law a decade after he played Felix Leiter to his Bond.
The fact that the writer’s credit came up right after the line “get a load of the melons on that belly dancer” should give you a pretty good idea of the movie you’re in for. To paraphrase Jeff Ross, Chuck Norris once again proves his status as the Michael Jordan of baseball of movie stars. He’s bland as ever here and for a world champion martial artist he doesn’t display a whole lot of martial artistry.
Norris is the leader of a crack military team sent to South America to rescue some DEA agents and face off with Billy Drago, an actor always typecast because he was cursed with RHMF (Resting Homicidal Maniac Face). I wasn’t a fan of the first Delta Force, but at least it had Lee Marvin doing his thing and Robert Forster in brownface. There’s nothing quite as memorable or entertaining here, though there are a handful of legitimately cool stunts, particularly during the first skydiving sequence. Not enough to make it a decent movie, but such is the Norris way.
A real cuckoo bananas musical about a duo of Canadian singers who enter a Eurovision-like contest, are wooed, manipulated, and split up by a corrupt music agent who looks like a vampire and seems to be building a sort of authoritarian empire that extends beyond the music business to encompass all of society. Later on there's a hippie community who live in a cave, and a bunch of characters turn out to be aliens or gods or something.
There are a couple pretty good songs (the opening Bim anthem and "Coming for You," which also has, for my money, the best accompanying choreography and visuals), but most of the songs are pretty mediocre. The last act becomes a bit of a plot speedrun as the movie runs out of time to get everything on its mind onto the screen.
The movie ultimately didn't work for me, but it's so creative and feels so fully committed to its big bag of ideas (whatever they are) that I have to respect the attempt. I was entertained.
A man returns home to finally sell the home he inherited from his Grandfather. But something sinister happened in that house, and that was BEFORE it was turned into an asylum.
A slasher before their was really a genre for it, creepy phone calls included!
I saw Roy Scheider in a bookstore in late 2005, and my wife encouraged me to go say something to him. I walked over and told him how much his performances had meant to me. He shook my hand and thanked me. He was in his 70s, he was a few inches shorter than me, and he was in poor health. And, I could tell from his grip strength that, had he wanted to, he could have crushed me like a bug. Anyway, I think he's one of the all time great actors, and I hadn't seen this one before. Clarence Williams III is also amazing in this.
I think I heard about this in a Letterboxd review some time ago and seeing it cast Christopher Reeve and Morgan Freeman mandated I save it for later. Today I discovered it's a Cannon flick and that was that!
Reeve is a reporter who pulls a Shattered Glass to write a fake pimp story, only to land himself in a mess that no amount of midichlorians could keep him out of. Both the prosecutor who has a murder case against a real pimp (Freeman') and the pimp's own lawyer are after the notes for the fake story, thinking that it was written about the real pimp. Golan-Globus Gold.
Reeve is interesting as an unlikeable turd, but Freeman and Kathy Baker (playing one of his ladies) give the best performances. (And now I see that Freeman got an Oscar nom for this!) The plot is tight, flows well, and the unglamorous portrayal of this world made it feel more real. A good Cannon movie worth watching!
My Cannon watch last year. Morgan Freeman gives such a nuanced performance in it, being suave and friendly when he needs to be but always ready to let his violent side out.
Reeve made financing of "Street Smart," his pet producing project, a requirement for Cannon to hire him for "Superman lV." You could argue this sideproject, which earned Morgan Freeman a best supporting actor Oscar nom (rare for a Cannon flick), is the only good thing to come out of that cinematic disaster. 🫠
Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater
Wow, you have no idea how excited I am about this.
I saw VHS art for the movie Urban Warriors and saw something I have never seen before: the Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater line.
If you’ve spent any time looking at the history of the Cannon Group, you know that the company was essentially a house of cards held together by Menahem Golan’s ambition and a lot of pre-sold tape rights. They didn’t even bother starting their own domestic home video label until 1989. By that point, the wheels were already coming off the Go-Go Boys’ wagon and they were slashing their production budgets to the bone.
They needed product to fill the shelves of that new home video arm and they needed it cheap. That’s how they ended up dumpster diving into the international market, picking up some oddball productions.
I went to the source of all things Cannon, Austin Trunick, who already covered this four years ago on the Cannon Film Guide Facebook page, saying “In the late ’80s, Cannon tried to squeeze some money out of several of their older distro titles that hadn’t been fully exploited on the video market. Their idea was to have modern stars introduce the films, which resulted in the “Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater” line of tapes.”
Much like the 22-26 action adventure films that bear the title Sybil Danning’s Adventure Video for the USA Home Video company, this was a way to use an action star to make some money with no risk.
There are only four of these, so why don’t we get into them?
Cross Mission (1988): Leave it to Alfonso Brescia—working under his Al Bradley alias—to decide that what the jungle combat — Rambsoploitation — genre really needed wasn’t just more stock footage of explosions, but literal demons. What else can we expect from the director of Murder In Blue Light, Iron Warrior, The Beast In Space and an entire series of Star Wars rip-offs?
Cross Mission starts off as your standard, run-of-the-mill exploitation flick. General Romero, played by Antonio Poli, is the iron-fisted ruler of a small Latin American nation. He’s got the whole “I’m a good guy” routine down to a science, publicly torching marijuana fields to impress the U.N. inspectors. Of course, once the inspectors pack up their clipboards and head for the airport, it’s back to the narco-trafficking business as usual.
When a marine named William (Richard Randall, whose only other role is in a TV movie version of A Christmas Carol) decides to investigate the racket alongside a crusading reporter named Helen (Brigitte Porsche, her only role, and no, she’s not an adult star), things spiral into the usual jungle chaos. Do huts explode? Do some of the good guys die and need revenge? Does the hero get ready for the last battle in a montage, putting on a special outfit to show the audience he’s finally done playing nice? Yes to all of these things.
But here is where the movie veers off the tracks and into the territory of the sublime. Just when you think you’ve seen every trope in the book, Brescia hits you with the supernatural. General Romero isn’t just a drug lord; he’s a practitioner of the dark arts. He’s got the ability to summon a diabolical small demon named Astaroth, played by Nelson De La Rosa (the mini Brando of The Island of Dr. Moreau and the titular Rat Man), at will. When he’s shooting blue lightning at people, the movie suddenly shifts from a generic war film to an Italian bit of magic.
Brescia would go on to direct Miami Cops the following year, but Cross Mission remains a singular, bizarre experiment. It doesn’t fully succeed as a war movie, and it doesn’t fully succeed as a supernatural thriller, but for the sheer audacity of blending the two? It’s a more than decent one-time watch. You come for the jungle action, but you stay because you need to see how a magic little guy fits into an exploding helicopter subplot.
Bridge to Hell (1986): I love Umberto Lenzi. Whether its Eurospy (Super Seven Calling Cairo, Kriminal), his films with Carroll Baker (Orgasmo; So Sweet, So Perverse; A Quiet Place to Kill; Knife of Ice), giallo (Spasmo, Eyeball, Seven Bloodstained Orchids), cannibal films (Man From Deep River, Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive!), horror (Ghosthouse, Nightmare City), cop violence (Almost Human, The Tough Ones)…the guy knew how to make a movie.
Lt. Bill Rogers (Andy Forrest, also in Massimo Pirri’s The Kiss of the Cobra, Tonino Valerii’s Sicilian Connection, Lenzi’s The House of Witchcraft, Hunt for the Gold Scorpion and, oddly, the Giandomenico Curi-directed Italian Lambada movie and yes, there were two movies with this title in the same year), Sgt. Mario Pazilbo Esposito (Carlo Mucari, Snuff Killer and Obsession: A Taste for Fear) and Blitz (Paki Valente) have broken out of a POV camp. Rogers is an American pilot who trades a POW camp for the Yugoslavian wilderness after getting shot down. Espozi has the nickname Spaghetti because he’s Italian — in an Italian movie — and Blinz is an Austrian deserter who realized his side was losing.
Our motley crew of POWs managed to link up with some partisans and a local Orthodox priest. The partisans are desperate, looking for pilots to take their last two functioning planes and turn those German-held hillsides into a fireworks display. But while they’re busy flying for the resistance, the boys get wind of some serious loot. Vanya (Francesca Ferrè), a nun who traded her habit for a submachine gun, tips them off about a haul of priceless gold chalices stashed away at the St. Basil convent.
According to Andy J. Forrest, Ferrè was functionally blind without her glasses and ended one take by walking directly into a tree.
After pulling off two successful bombing runs, the POWs stop caring about the war effort and start plotting a heist. They leverage their pilot skills to score some hardware, then convince Vanya to lead them to the chapel. She thinks they’re on the level, but these guys are just mercenaries in disguise, ready to double-cross everyone for the gold.
There’s a Fabio Frizzi score, which is nice, and Luigi Ciccarese as cinematographer. He shot plenty of Bruno Mattei’s later movies, especially his SOV 2000s efforts, as well as tons of adult. Along the way, Lenzi stole battle scenes from The Battle of Sutjeska and Partizanska eskadrila.
It’s not the most exciting war movie you’ve seen, but it does have a genuinely impressive train explosion and watching our guys lean out of a biplane to drop bombs by hand is the kind of practical, low-budget ingenuity that makes these films so charming.
Urban Warriors (1987): You know you’re in for a wild ride when the opening act consists of a montage of mushroom clouds followed immediately by stock footage of volcanoes erupting. Then, we meet Brad (Bruno Bilotta), our hero, and his buddies, Maury (Bjorn Hammer) and Stan (Maurice Poli), who are hanging out in an underground lab when the power goes out. When they finally decide to crawl out of their bunker, they discover that the world has ended. And apparently, the end of the world is synonymous with an immediate, city-wide explosion in the local population of leather-clad biker gangs.
Vari’s vision of the future looks suspiciously like a gravel pit and a single abandoned factory. That’s the kind of set design that makes a Cirio Santiago movie look like a Cecil B. DeMille epic.
The mutants here are a special breed. According to Brad—who, again, as you may remember, was just working at a power station and doesn’t seem like a scientist—these guys suffer from a mutation that apparently destroys their inner ear whenever the sun goes down. Before you can say uno, due, tre, quattordici, all these bad ass post-apocalyptic warriors have vertigo.
The aesthetic is exactly what you’d expect if a group of guys raided a discount S&M shop and then realized they needed to re-qualify for their motorcycle licenses. Watching Brad’s buddy Maury emerge from a shack wearing a full-on studded leather helmet and a white scarf—while manning a bike with mounted weapons—is reason enough for the world to end.
Brad’s journey is a masterclass in survival priorities. After watching his buddy Maury get killed—a tragedy clearly caused by failing to stick to a strict vehicle maintenance schedule—Brad doesn’t weep. He gets himself some leather, finds a woman (Rosenda Scharschmidt, Dark Bar) to get busy with and promptly gets attacked because she wants his spinal marrow. At least he defeats the leader of the mutants, played by Alex Vitale, who will always be Jakoda from Strike Commando. Oh yeah — Malisa Longo from Cat In the Brain and the titular star of Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg –– is in this barterdown bootleg too.
This was Giuseppe Vari’s return to the director’s chair after a decade away, and spoiler alert: it was also his final film.
Much like another Michael Dudikoff Presents film, The Bronx Executioner, this takes scenes from The Final Executioner. Even stranger, I have heard Paolo Rustichelli’s theme described as either a cover of “White Lines” or the Art of Noise cover of “Dragnet.”
This movie is on drugs, in the most entertaining form. Visually be dazzled by the costumes, props, all the silly details of the world. The musical stuff is more hit and miss: skip all the slow ones, but the lively songs and accompanying performances are good, weird, and hilarious. Over the top characters and bad writing for an experience that's nearly always fun in some way.
Platoon Leader(1988 Dir Aaron Norris) Every war movie trope ever thrown into a blender with a bad cast, done of the worst directors ever and rushed out to capitalize on the Vietnam craze of the mid 80s. It sucks.
Seriously, though look at Aaron Norris' filmography. Braddock: Missing in Action III Platoon Leader Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection The Hitman Sidekicks Good Cop/Bad Cop Hellbound Top Dog Forest Warrior Walker, Texas Ranger Television (TV series - 4 episodes) Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire You'd think eventually Chuck would have told his Brother no and asked for a better director
'A TALE OF TWO CHUCKS' DOUBLE BILL!
ReplyDelete075.- ASSASSINATION (1987, AMAZON PRIME). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL.
The same year "Death Wish 4: The Crackdown" was released (arguably the better movie of the two), Charles Bronson co-starred with his wife Jill Ireland for the 16th and final time in the only 'PG-13' movie of Bronson's entire career. Directed by Peter Hunt ("On Her Majesty's Secret Service"), "Assassination" has Charles playing Jay Killian ('Killy'), a presidential bodyguard re-assigned to protect the new, openly-defiant-of-protocol First Lady Lara Royce Craig (Ireland) from a series of attempts on her life. This being Cannon, the threats come from one-dimensional bad guys whose target may or may not be Killian himself. Jan Gan Boyd stands out from the supporting cast as Charlotte Chang, a fellow secret service bodyguard who is sleeping with Killian and is jealous of all the time 'One Momma' gets to spend with her 'future husband.' 🥲😁It's not as bloody or violent as the typical Cannon 80's movie, but it's still plenty goofy (the rocket-firing motorcycle from "Delta Force" makes a cameo battling an RPG-firing terrorist) and watchable. Only Cannon would have the first lady and her bodyguard driving cross-country on motorcycles, dodging rockets and running straight into an incoming train. A box office dud that found its audience on home video and cable TV, "Assassination" is worth 88 minutes of your time. 3.25 RECYCLED MUSIC CUES FROM "INVASION USA" (out of five).
076.- THE HITMAN (1991, YOUTUBE)
ReplyDeleteRest in Peace, Chuck Norris.🥺😭 Even as it was imploding its way into insolvency in the early 90's, Cannon kept riding the Norris action train 'till the bitter end. Directed by his brother Aaron ("Sidekicks"), "The Hitman" is a darker, more violent, borderline-noir action flick than we're used to seeing Chuck in. It was originally intended as a Charles Bronson vehicle, which may explain the tonal whiplash (and absence of any martial arts fighting). After surviving an attempt on his life by backstabbing partner Ronny Delaney (Michael Parks, making a meal out of some great lines of dialogue), detective Cliff Garrett (Norris sporting an epic mullet) re-surfaces years later as a hitman in the Seattle underground. Different crime syndicates want to hire Cliff, but he's now a deep undercover agent trying to bring them all down while tracking down Delaney's whereabouts. Like clockwork, every 10 minutes or so (a) somebody gets shot/killed (usually a bullet to the head) and (b) characters do massive exposition dumps just so the audience has an idea what's happening in the convoluted plot.
For a low-budget, early 90's picture "The Hitman" looks great (courtesy of "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter's" cinematographer João Fernandes) and packs a lot in 95 minutes. It's fun to see Chuck manhandle Iranians ('You really eat this shit?'), Canadians and all types of mobster ethnicities. It wouldn't be a Norris flick if he didn't befriend a bullied teen he can teach how to defend himself from racist bullies. And of course said teen's life has to be threatened for our hero to have an even more fiery final showdown with the remaining bad guys that haven't yet murdered one another. Come for the expected Chuck Norris badassery, stay to hear Michael Parks recite lines of dialogue like 'I'm so goddamn horny I could f**k mud! or 'It's so goddamn cold, my dick's like a short stack of buttons. 😳😂🤣 3.5 AQUARIUM DOLPHINS BATHED IN BLUE LIGHTING (out of five).
The trajectory of the career of Joao Fernandez is an interesting one. He began shooting films in the a-d-u-l-t world (prominently with Gerard Damiano) in the 1970s. The B-movie world was next, which introduced him to Chuck Norris. Fernandez would work on many of Norris' projects into the 1990s.
DeleteCANNON'S 'NINJA' TRILOGY IN 4K!
ReplyDelete077.- ENTER THE NINJA (1981, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, FAWESOME, MGM+.
While it deserves recognition for being one of the earliest action movies to bring the concept of ninjas to mainstream audiences (and a rare instance of director Menahem Golan creating a trend rather than chasing after one), "Enter the Ninja" is one of the few Cannon flicks that diminishes every time I rewatch it. Maybe I'm so used to seeing Shô Kosugi as the good guy in his latter movies it's hard for me to buy him here as Hasegawa, evil ninja for hire working for 'Human Cigarrette' Christopher George. Maybe Franco Nero is too macho to help himself with the willing wife (Susan George) of bestie Alex (Alex Courtney), or the final duel between top-tier ninja masters takes forever and feels like a weak climax. It doesn't help that "Enter the Ninja" looks identical in 4K and Blu-ray, making me regret the purchase of the UHD box set. Should have bought the last two separately in 4K and kept the old BD of the first. Oh well, live and learn. 2.85 UPPER-LEVEL SWIMMING POOLS IN AN OFFICE COMPLEX (out of five).
078.- REVENGE OF THE NINJA (1983, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, MGM+.
ReplyDeleteThe king arrives! 😅 Simply put, "Revenge of the Ninja" is the greatest ninja movie ever made. It sets a tone early when the family of Japanese ninja Cho Osaki (Shô Kosugi, looking/fighting like a total badass) is slaughtered by ninja assassins... in plain daylight (a Sam Firstenberg special). Convinced by American friend/business partner Dave Hatcher (Keith Vitali) to come to the United States to raise his one surviving son (Kane Kosugi), Osaki relocates to California (aka Salt Lake City). Eventually Cho realizes Hatcher is using his doll business to smuggle drugs and was responsible for his family's massacre. Early mini-rampages (against Village People-lookalike henchmen and warehouse robbers) lead to the death of Osaki's mother (stunt granny!) and abduction of his son. The final act of "Revenge" is the type of ninja action spectacle fans dream of. A charismatic lead wronged by a-hole bad guys that deserve their bloody comeuppance? Stunts where low-budget practical ingenuity outweighs lack of resources? A duel between equals atop a rooftop full of traps/hiding places? All that, plus Professor Toru Tanaka chasing after lil' Kane Kosugi to even the odds... for the former! 😁Not a giant leap from 1080p to 4K, but anything extra is just gravy. 5 MOUTHFULS OF DEADLY JACKS' SHARP METAL STARS (out of five).
079.- NINJA III: THE DOMINATION (1984, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Available to stream on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO TV, MGM+.
ReplyDeleteWhile "Revenge" is the best overall ninja movie ever made, "Ninja III: The Domination" is the most Cannon-esque ninja flick the studio ever conceived. Only Cannon would front-load an action flick with the best action set-piece, a ninja assassin (David Chung's Black Ninja) set loose on a golf course (in bright daylight!) killing/avoiding other golfers, helicopters, policemen, etc. It's glorious mayhem, and while no other action set-piece later tops it that doesn't mean the action slows down. Shô Kosugi's returns as the lead, but his Yamada character takes a backseat for most of the narrative to Christie ("Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo's" Lucinda Dickey), a telephone worker/aerobics instructor who happens to be the vessel to which 'Black Ninja' attached his dying spirit when his body gave way after all the ammo fired at the end of "The Wild Bunch" penetrated him.😉😁 Too many highlights to mention (V8 juice spilled on chest, demonic exorcism straight jacket swinging, floating ninja sword with light show, etc.), all leading to a final showdown between Yamada and 'Black Ninja' (no girls allowed, sorry Lucinda 😠) that sent Kosugi to heaven, aka more 80's ninja movies released by a different studio. 4K upgrade is the best of the three. 4.5 NINJA WEAPON HIDEOUTS WITH BUILT-IN LIGHT DISPLAYS... IN A CAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT (out of five).
Undoubtedly one of the most unique movies made by Cannon. Those upstart Israeli cousins in Hollywood were seemingly willing to try any strange story combination. Sam Firstenberg was also a very capable director, which, as you know, not every director who worked for the company was.
DeleteYou're gonna make me spend again. I've been resisting since its release, but i'm getting weaker
DeleteIf you already own the "Ninja" trilogy on BD the 4K improvements are minimal at worst ("Enter"), noticeable at best ("Ninja III"). KL 4K box set's overpriced, IMO, but individual 4K releases on sale are tempting, indeed. 😛😚
DeleteBONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 14!
ReplyDelete080.- THE RETURN OF THE PINK PANTHER (1975, KINO LORBER 4K UHD). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, PLUTO, ROKU TV, YOUTUBE.
11 years after "A Shot In The Dark" and financed by independent producers because United Artists wouldn't bet on Blake Edwards and Peter Sellers after each had major career slumps in the early 70's (hence this being the only entry in the series controlled by Universal and not MGM until recently), "Revenge of the Pink Panther" ushers in the era (ERA!) most viewers/casual fans of these movies are familiar with. The Pink Panther diamond is stolen again, and all evidence points to The Phantom as the likely thief... except the retired Charles Litton (Christopher Plummer, taking over the role after David Niven turned it down) didn't do it, but is forced to find out who did to clear his name. Demoted to patrolman by Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) but re-instated to inspector rank by the president of France to aid in the search of the stolen diamond, Jacques Clouseau (Peter Sellers firing on all cylinders) is led around the nose by Litton's wife, Claudine (Catherine Schell), to let Charles go underground to find out who is setting him up. It's two movies in one, a fairly straight crime caper with Sir Litton (couple of goofy scenes with Graham Stark's Pepi getting his fingers mangled) and a 'walking disaster area' slapstick comedy (at times bordering on farce) whenever Clouseau is set loose in a hotel room or his own apartment (where Burt Kwouk's manservant Cato is ready to attack at any moment). 😅🥰
If you grew up watching free movies on commercial TV from the late 70's to the early 90's you've probably seen "Revenge" a bunch of times (Saturday afternoon, late night, etc.). It's quintessential 70's action comedy, safe enough to earn a 'G' rating but slick enough to sneak in a few sexual innuendos lost in Clouseau's thick accent (thank God for closed captioning). Broad comedic set-pieces (Clouseau versus a vacuum cleaner, tailing Lady Litton through Gstaad in Switzerland, etc.) co-exist with small ones (Catherine Schell unable to keep a straight face during Sellers' dialogue 😍), building on both the unfulfilled potential of the three previous live-action entries and the popularity of the animated series that kept the franchise alive in the minds of movie fans for two decades. A must-see entry in the series.
ANIMATED INTRO OPENING: 5 DISAPPEARING 'GEOFFREY UNSWORTH' STAIR-STEPPING NAMES (out of five). Simply put, the best animated opening to a live-action comedy ever made. Richard Williams and Ken Harris lead a team of animators that pay homage to classic Hollywood (Frankenstein's monster, Groucho Mark, Mickey Mouse skirting copyright, etc.) while indulging in the glamour of mid-70's jetset excess. The closing credits sequence with the Panther breaking into Dreyfus' padded cell is nice, but the opening steals the show.
MOVIE RATING: 4.45 TRUCKS WITHOUT BRAKES CRASHING INTO THE SAME POOL (out of five).
52 PICK-UP (1986, dir. John Frankenheimer)
ReplyDeleteThere is so much to choose from when it comes to Cannon movies. 52 Pick-Up got the nod today because it has been on my watchlist for a long time, and it has a very intriguing cast. Plus, veteran director John Frankenheimer is at the helm. Despite the sordid story the film tells, the talent behind it gives 52 Pick-Up a class that most Cannon projects could only dream of.
Roy Scheider is a businessman being blackmailed for an affair with a nude model (Kelly Preston). Unfortunately for his wife (Ann-Margaret), she gets drawn in to the scheme when Roy decides not to play nice with the blackmailers. Things get nasty and sleazy very quickly. Adding to the fun is a supporting cast (Vanity, Clarence Williams III) with interesting characters to play. The action of the film takes you on a tour around mid-1980s L.A.
Although the film is a tad overlong, there was enough happening to keep me engaged. I was entertained by the increasingly ridiculous twists as the conclusion neared. A worthy Junesploitation watch.
THE WICKED LADY (1983, dir. Michael Winner)
ReplyDeleteA period film about an aristocratic lady from the director who brought the Death Wish franchise into existence? I have been curious about this one for a while. Faye Dunaway is the wicked lady, scheming her way into a marriage with an aristrocrat. Bored by her married life, she takes up the hobby of robbing carriages on the local roads. The life of a highwayman has its complications, though.
The Wicked Lady has all of the trappings of a period drama, full of beautiful costumes and old locations. The drama, however, can switch to comedy quite quickly, and scenes of gratuitous n-u-d-i-t-y pop up once in while to offer a some out-of-the-blue titillation. These tonal switches do not help the narrative. The cinematography is from the revered Jack Cardiff, whose talent for creating striking images is seen throughout the film.
Is The Wicked Lady worth a look? Maybe it is as a Cannon deep cut or an odd-ball project in Michael Winner's career. For most general movie fans or people seeking a "Cannon" experience, the film will probably not be a satisfying watch.
American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987, dir. Sam Firstenberg)
ReplyDeleteInject this pure Cannon goodness into my veins! More silly and overtly comical than the first movie. It's basically a live-action version of an arcade beat-em-up. Seriously, our heroes fight the same crew of tuffs three times within the first 45 minutes in different settings. The premise is so ludicrous, even for a Cannon movie. A scientist is working on curing cancer and accidentally creates super-ninjas. HUH?! And during the villainous presentation where the head baddie shows off his super-ninja army to his evil cadre, the head evil henchmen comes out and kills like 35 of them easily. What is the purpose of this demonstration? To show how crappy his product is? God I love the combo of Michael Dudikoff and Steve James. James in particular appears to be having the time of his LIFE in this movie. I loved it!
The more "American Ninja" you watch the more you realize Steve James is the real star of the series, not Dudikoff. 😎
DeleteLIFEFORCE (Intl Version) (1985, Tobe Hooper)
ReplyDeleteIn the annals of cinema, there is no line of dialogue more deflating than “Now she has clothes.”
🤣🤣🤣
DeleteMaking the Grade (1984, dir. Dorian Walker)
ReplyDeleteA lazy teenager from a rich family doesn't feel like attending prep school, so he hires young hustler Eddie (Judd Nelson) to go in his place. But it gets harder to keep up appearances when Eddie falls in love with the least attainable girl in school and a loan shark (Andrew Dice Clay) comes to collect on Eddie's debts.
A pretty basic 80's teen comedy in good and in bad, there's some fun hijinks to be had here and all the stuffy people get their comeuppance by the end, but it's really unfocused and the lead character's motivations and priorities shift for no apparent reason from scene to scene. Clay (credited as Andrew Clay and playing a character called Dice) is good at playing assholes, and Walter Olkewicz (a.k.a. Twin Peaks' Jacques Renault) steals the show as the school sports coach.
Weirdly, the movie ends with a promise of a sequel, but looks like that never happened (at least not with the same actors). Well, wouldn't be the first time Cannon announced something but didn't deliver.
I was debating watching this one because I’ve never seen it but now I’m glad I went with my rewatch.
DeleteTHE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982) dir. Boaz Davidson
ReplyDeleteMaybe my favorite New Beverly Cinema celebrity interactions was the time I was in line behind Diane Franklin for about a half hour waiting for the lobby to open and listening to her talk to a friend about making this movie.
One of the greatest soundtracks of the 1980s.
Why would Franklin be waiting in line at a New Beverly screening? 🤨 She should've been backstage as a VIP... unless she was there as a civilian. 🤔
DeleteShe was there for a screening of HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE and struck me as someone just being a normal person wanting to see a movie she was in that hadn’t screened for over 30 years. She didn’t intro the movie. I almost asked her about Better Off Dead but then she mentioned to her friend how annoying most of the BOD fans were.
DeleteOkay, got it. Must happen often in big cities with large movie industries. I've been in line to movie screenings in NYC with Frank Whaley, Holt McCallany, Eric Bogosian, etc. (and their significant others) and, like everyone else on the line, I ignored them. 🥸
DeleteMy lone encounter - a very long distance encounter- with a celebrity at a theater was Tom Savini. He attended a screening of Jason and The Argonauts at a theater around Pittsburgh in 2013. I noticed him when he was leaving the screening. Some people had approached him by then, and he seemed to be telling them that he wanted to be left alone.
DeleteHaving people approach you like that must be difficult. I recently read an article about one of the K-Pop Demon Hunters singers (Ejae) discussing the experience of fame. That is one of the most awkward aspects for her.
HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1984)
ReplyDeleteA heavy metal band is murdered by a cult, only to rise from the dead and wreak havoc. It’s way more comedy than horror. The cultists are like the Texas Chainsaw family, but silly. (Okay, sillier.) And there’s a good chunk of time spent on a bumbling town council trying to ban rock music, which goes nowhere. A lot of the gags are trying for shock value, only making them eye-rolly by today’s standards. Remember how ‘80s movies used to put an entire music video in the middle of the movie as a montage or a performance? This one does that multiple times. I want to appreciate the wackiness of it, but the jokes wear themselves thin real quick, and I ended up bored.
30 days of fan films, day 14: YOUNG AVENGERS (2017)
Wiccan, Stature, Speed, and Kate Bishop juggle teen life with superhero life, eventually running afoul of S.H.I.E.L.D. and two surprise villains. The action scenes are sloppy but endearing in their homemade attempts to recreate the look of the Marvel movies. But, really, this one’s about the teen melodrama, which is abundant. It’s extremely amateur, but that’s part of the charm.
The Barbarians (1987)
ReplyDeleteA profoundly silly swords-and-sorcery jam starring the Barbarian Brothers. A wandering tribe of jugglers and musicians (we don't really get to see any of that) gets raided by an evil warlord, their hot queen enslaved and their magical ruby lost. Years later, two young boys from the tribe grow up to be big (so big) and set out on a quest to right all the wrongs. (Somehow, no one but them has aged a day in all this time, but that's ok.) Despite being big (so big), the bros act like a pair of 8-year-olds, and their goofy, pro-wrestler energy keeps things from becoming too serious even for a second. I'm not sure if Deodato's particular talents weren't wasted on such child-friendly fare, but who am I to question Cannon's logic.
The Apple (1980)
ReplyDeleteI was going to try for a never-seen Cannon classics triple feature, but I think this is all I will get to today.
I have started this one a couple of times before, but this is the first time I got all the way through. Hoy Boy am I glad I did! For the most part I'm not a fan of the songs, but the the productions, the costumes, the overall craziness was great. Loved the Ballet 2000 scene and what can only accurately be called the 0rgy musical number with lyrics less subtle than a Prince song. And that ending!
One of my top candidates for today!
DeleteMAM - If you've never seen this, it's a must!
DeleteSeconded. 🤠
DeleteThirded (?)
DeleteI should have mentioned Ballet 2000 as one of the better songs in my review below--that one IS fun (the futuristic wind instruments cracked me up).
DeleteYep it's my first time and it's reserved for a later time slot if my plans allow! :)
DeleteThe Naked Face (1984, dir. Bryan Forbes)
ReplyDeleteJudd Stevens (Roger Moore) is a respected psychiatrist, but his life begins to slowly unravel when one of his patients is murdered and the investigating police officer focuses on him as the prime suspect because of an old grudge.
The plot escalates into something a little ridiculous by the end, but doesn't go far enough with it. The very last scene is just dumb. Moore is quite good as the lead and Rod Steiger's convincing as an angry, racist, homophobic cop, but Elliot Gould sleepwalks through his role as his partner. Art Carney has a fun turn as a perpetually drunk private detective, and I was delighted to see David Hedison play Moore's brother-in-law a decade after he played Felix Leiter to his Bond.
Btw, after watching the movie, I still have no idea why it's called The Naked Face.
DeleteDelta Force 2: The Colombian Connection
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the writer’s credit came up right after the line “get a load of the melons on that belly dancer” should give you a pretty good idea of the movie you’re in for. To paraphrase Jeff Ross, Chuck Norris once again proves his status as the Michael Jordan of baseball of movie stars. He’s bland as ever here and for a world champion martial artist he doesn’t display a whole lot of martial artistry.
Norris is the leader of a crack military team sent to South America to rescue some DEA agents and face off with Billy Drago, an actor always typecast because he was cursed with RHMF (Resting Homicidal Maniac Face). I wasn’t a fan of the first Delta Force, but at least it had Lee Marvin doing his thing and Robert Forster in brownface. There’s nothing quite as memorable or entertaining here, though there are a handful of legitimately cool stunts, particularly during the first skydiving sequence. Not enough to make it a decent movie, but such is the Norris way.
The absence in the sequel of Alan Silvestri's main theme from the first "Delta Force" is also deeply felt. 🥵😡
DeleteThe Apple (1980)
ReplyDeleteA real cuckoo bananas musical about a duo of Canadian singers who enter a Eurovision-like contest, are wooed, manipulated, and split up by a corrupt music agent who looks like a vampire and seems to be building a sort of authoritarian empire that extends beyond the music business to encompass all of society. Later on there's a hippie community who live in a cave, and a bunch of characters turn out to be aliens or gods or something.
There are a couple pretty good songs (the opening Bim anthem and "Coming for You," which also has, for my money, the best accompanying choreography and visuals), but most of the songs are pretty mediocre. The last act becomes a bit of a plot speedrun as the movie runs out of time to get everything on its mind onto the screen.
The movie ultimately didn't work for me, but it's so creative and feels so fully committed to its big bag of ideas (whatever they are) that I have to respect the attempt. I was entertained.
Definitely polarizing.
DeleteSilent Night, Deadly Night (1972)
ReplyDeleteA man returns home to finally sell the home he inherited from his Grandfather. But something sinister happened in that house, and that was BEFORE it was turned into an asylum.
A slasher before their was really a genre for it, creepy phone calls included!
52 Pick Up (1986)
ReplyDeleteI saw Roy Scheider in a bookstore in late 2005, and my wife encouraged me to go say something to him. I walked over and told him how much his performances had meant to me. He shook my hand and thanked me. He was in his 70s, he was a few inches shorter than me, and he was in poor health. And, I could tell from his grip strength that, had he wanted to, he could have crushed me like a bug. Anyway, I think he's one of the all time great actors, and I hadn't seen this one before. Clarence Williams III is also amazing in this.
Clarence Williams III was my favorite character in the film. He goes from funny to menacing in a split second.
DeleteMasters of the Universe (1987) dir. Gary Goddard
ReplyDelete1984 Courtney Cox was dancing in the dark, 1987 and it’s He-Man and Skeletor in the climactic fight scene.
Caught this one for a first time watch, had a great time. Dragged a bit but definitely fun.
DeleteOk, I got a second one in.
ReplyDeleteAmerican Ninja (1985)
Never seen before.
I loved this. Do you ever wish you could go back in time and tell your younger self some advice? Mine would be go to see more schlock.
Black ninja busting out a lasar was the most amazing thing ever.
If you are telling me Steve James is in the sequel, I am in.
He's in "American Ninja 1-3." You have two more to go. ✊️😄
DeleteWill we ever get a proper boxset of these movies, hopefully 4k?
DeleteHighlander (1986, dir. Russell Mulcahy)
ReplyDeleteA better Queen movie than BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.
"Highlander" is a Cannon movie? 😳😮
DeleteThey put it out in video.
DeleteThen it counts. 😁👍
DeleteStreet Smart (1987, dir. Jerry Schatzberg)
ReplyDeleteI think I heard about this in a Letterboxd review some time ago and seeing it cast Christopher Reeve and Morgan Freeman mandated I save it for later. Today I discovered it's a Cannon flick and that was that!
Reeve is a reporter who pulls a Shattered Glass to write a fake pimp story, only to land himself in a mess that no amount of midichlorians could keep him out of. Both the prosecutor who has a murder case against a real pimp (Freeman') and the pimp's own lawyer are after the notes for the fake story, thinking that it was written about the real pimp. Golan-Globus Gold.
Reeve is interesting as an unlikeable turd, but Freeman and Kathy Baker (playing one of his ladies) give the best performances. (And now I see that Freeman got an Oscar nom for this!) The plot is tight, flows well, and the unglamorous portrayal of this world made it feel more real. A good Cannon movie worth watching!
My Cannon watch last year. Morgan Freeman gives such a nuanced performance in it, being suave and friendly when he needs to be but always ready to let his violent side out.
DeleteReeve made financing of "Street Smart," his pet producing project, a requirement for Cannon to hire him for "Superman lV." You could argue this sideproject, which earned Morgan Freeman a best supporting actor Oscar nom (rare for a Cannon flick), is the only good thing to come out of that cinematic disaster. 🫠
DeleteMichael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater
ReplyDeleteWow, you have no idea how excited I am about this.
I saw VHS art for the movie Urban Warriors and saw something I have never seen before: the Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater line.
If you’ve spent any time looking at the history of the Cannon Group, you know that the company was essentially a house of cards held together by Menahem Golan’s ambition and a lot of pre-sold tape rights. They didn’t even bother starting their own domestic home video label until 1989. By that point, the wheels were already coming off the Go-Go Boys’ wagon and they were slashing their production budgets to the bone.
They needed product to fill the shelves of that new home video arm and they needed it cheap. That’s how they ended up dumpster diving into the international market, picking up some oddball productions.
I went to the source of all things Cannon, Austin Trunick, who already covered this four years ago on the Cannon Film Guide Facebook page, saying “In the late ’80s, Cannon tried to squeeze some money out of several of their older distro titles that hadn’t been fully exploited on the video market. Their idea was to have modern stars introduce the films, which resulted in the “Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater” line of tapes.”
Much like the 22-26 action adventure films that bear the title Sybil Danning’s Adventure Video for the USA Home Video company, this was a way to use an action star to make some money with no risk.
There are only four of these, so why don’t we get into them?
Cross Mission (1988): Leave it to Alfonso Brescia—working under his Al Bradley alias—to decide that what the jungle combat — Rambsoploitation — genre really needed wasn’t just more stock footage of explosions, but literal demons. What else can we expect from the director of Murder In Blue Light, Iron Warrior, The Beast In Space and an entire series of Star Wars rip-offs?
DeleteCross Mission starts off as your standard, run-of-the-mill exploitation flick. General Romero, played by Antonio Poli, is the iron-fisted ruler of a small Latin American nation. He’s got the whole “I’m a good guy” routine down to a science, publicly torching marijuana fields to impress the U.N. inspectors. Of course, once the inspectors pack up their clipboards and head for the airport, it’s back to the narco-trafficking business as usual.
When a marine named William (Richard Randall, whose only other role is in a TV movie version of A Christmas Carol) decides to investigate the racket alongside a crusading reporter named Helen (Brigitte Porsche, her only role, and no, she’s not an adult star), things spiral into the usual jungle chaos. Do huts explode? Do some of the good guys die and need revenge? Does the hero get ready for the last battle in a montage, putting on a special outfit to show the audience he’s finally done playing nice? Yes to all of these things.
But here is where the movie veers off the tracks and into the territory of the sublime. Just when you think you’ve seen every trope in the book, Brescia hits you with the supernatural. General Romero isn’t just a drug lord; he’s a practitioner of the dark arts. He’s got the ability to summon a diabolical small demon named Astaroth, played by Nelson De La Rosa (the mini Brando of The Island of Dr. Moreau and the titular Rat Man), at will. When he’s shooting blue lightning at people, the movie suddenly shifts from a generic war film to an Italian bit of magic.
Brescia would go on to direct Miami Cops the following year, but Cross Mission remains a singular, bizarre experiment. It doesn’t fully succeed as a war movie, and it doesn’t fully succeed as a supernatural thriller, but for the sheer audacity of blending the two? It’s a more than decent one-time watch. You come for the jungle action, but you stay because you need to see how a magic little guy fits into an exploding helicopter subplot.
Bridge to Hell (1986): I love Umberto Lenzi. Whether its Eurospy (Super Seven Calling Cairo, Kriminal), his films with Carroll Baker (Orgasmo; So Sweet, So Perverse; A Quiet Place to Kill; Knife of Ice), giallo (Spasmo, Eyeball, Seven Bloodstained Orchids), cannibal films (Man From Deep River, Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive!), horror (Ghosthouse, Nightmare City), cop violence (Almost Human, The Tough Ones)…the guy knew how to make a movie.
DeleteLt. Bill Rogers (Andy Forrest, also in Massimo Pirri’s The Kiss of the Cobra, Tonino Valerii’s Sicilian Connection, Lenzi’s The House of Witchcraft, Hunt for the Gold Scorpion and, oddly, the Giandomenico Curi-directed Italian Lambada movie and yes, there were two movies with this title in the same year), Sgt. Mario Pazilbo Esposito (Carlo Mucari, Snuff Killer and Obsession: A Taste for Fear) and Blitz (Paki Valente) have broken out of a POV camp. Rogers is an American pilot who trades a POW camp for the Yugoslavian wilderness after getting shot down. Espozi has the nickname Spaghetti because he’s Italian — in an Italian movie — and Blinz is an Austrian deserter who realized his side was losing.
Our motley crew of POWs managed to link up with some partisans and a local Orthodox priest. The partisans are desperate, looking for pilots to take their last two functioning planes and turn those German-held hillsides into a fireworks display. But while they’re busy flying for the resistance, the boys get wind of some serious loot. Vanya (Francesca Ferrè), a nun who traded her habit for a submachine gun, tips them off about a haul of priceless gold chalices stashed away at the St. Basil convent.
According to Andy J. Forrest, Ferrè was functionally blind without her glasses and ended one take by walking directly into a tree.
After pulling off two successful bombing runs, the POWs stop caring about the war effort and start plotting a heist. They leverage their pilot skills to score some hardware, then convince Vanya to lead them to the chapel. She thinks they’re on the level, but these guys are just mercenaries in disguise, ready to double-cross everyone for the gold.
There’s a Fabio Frizzi score, which is nice, and Luigi Ciccarese as cinematographer. He shot plenty of Bruno Mattei’s later movies, especially his SOV 2000s efforts, as well as tons of adult. Along the way, Lenzi stole battle scenes from The Battle of Sutjeska and Partizanska eskadrila.
It’s not the most exciting war movie you’ve seen, but it does have a genuinely impressive train explosion and watching our guys lean out of a biplane to drop bombs by hand is the kind of practical, low-budget ingenuity that makes these films so charming.
Urban Warriors (1987): You know you’re in for a wild ride when the opening act consists of a montage of mushroom clouds followed immediately by stock footage of volcanoes erupting. Then, we meet Brad (Bruno Bilotta), our hero, and his buddies, Maury (Bjorn Hammer) and Stan (Maurice Poli), who are hanging out in an underground lab when the power goes out. When they finally decide to crawl out of their bunker, they discover that the world has ended. And apparently, the end of the world is synonymous with an immediate, city-wide explosion in the local population of leather-clad biker gangs.
DeleteVari’s vision of the future looks suspiciously like a gravel pit and a single abandoned factory. That’s the kind of set design that makes a Cirio Santiago movie look like a Cecil B. DeMille epic.
The mutants here are a special breed. According to Brad—who, again, as you may remember, was just working at a power station and doesn’t seem like a scientist—these guys suffer from a mutation that apparently destroys their inner ear whenever the sun goes down. Before you can say uno, due, tre, quattordici, all these bad ass post-apocalyptic warriors have vertigo.
The aesthetic is exactly what you’d expect if a group of guys raided a discount S&M shop and then realized they needed to re-qualify for their motorcycle licenses. Watching Brad’s buddy Maury emerge from a shack wearing a full-on studded leather helmet and a white scarf—while manning a bike with mounted weapons—is reason enough for the world to end.
Brad’s journey is a masterclass in survival priorities. After watching his buddy Maury get killed—a tragedy clearly caused by failing to stick to a strict vehicle maintenance schedule—Brad doesn’t weep. He gets himself some leather, finds a woman (Rosenda Scharschmidt, Dark Bar) to get busy with and promptly gets attacked because she wants his spinal marrow. At least he defeats the leader of the mutants, played by Alex Vitale, who will always be Jakoda from Strike Commando. Oh yeah — Malisa Longo from Cat In the Brain and the titular star of Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg –– is in this barterdown bootleg too.
This was Giuseppe Vari’s return to the director’s chair after a decade away, and spoiler alert: it was also his final film.
Much like another Michael Dudikoff Presents film, The Bronx Executioner, this takes scenes from The Final Executioner. Even stranger, I have heard Paolo Rustichelli’s theme described as either a cover of “White Lines” or the Art of Noise cover of “Dragnet.”
👏👏👏👏 Bravo, sir, Bravo! You are truly doing the Lord's work. 🤩😎
DeleteThe Apple (1980, dir. Menahem Golan)
ReplyDeleteThis movie is on drugs, in the most entertaining form. Visually be dazzled by the costumes, props, all the silly details of the world. The musical stuff is more hit and miss: skip all the slow ones, but the lively songs and accompanying performances are good, weird, and hilarious. Over the top characters and bad writing for an experience that's nearly always fun in some way.
Platoon Leader(1988 Dir Aaron Norris)
ReplyDeleteEvery war movie trope ever thrown into a blender with a bad cast, done of the worst directors ever and rushed out to capitalize on the Vietnam craze of the mid 80s. It sucks.
Seriously, though look at Aaron Norris' filmography.
Braddock: Missing in Action III
Platoon Leader
Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection
The Hitman
Sidekicks
Good Cop/Bad Cop
Hellbound
Top Dog
Forest Warrior
Walker, Texas Ranger Television (TV series - 4 episodes)
Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire
You'd think eventually Chuck would have told his Brother no and asked for a better director