Review: ONE NIGHT ONLY

 by Rob DiCristino

Make it count!

Alright, everybody listen up. I want to talk to you about Will Gluck’s One Night Only, a charming romantic comedy featuring one of my favorite new stars (I’ll give you a hint: their name isn’t Callum Turner). If I’m going to do that, though — if I’m going to focus on what the movie is really about and not get distracted by details that it wants me to ignore — I’m going to have to air out a few stray complaints and grievances regarding its premise. Just bear with me for a second: Three years from now, in an effort to reduce teenage pregnancy, stop the spread of STIs, and generally mitigate society’s pervasive ills, the US government has outlawed premarital sex. To enforce this mandate, a big pharma conglomerate has outfitted everyone over eighteen with a small biosensor that tracks hormones, pheromones, and other sciency gobbledygook. If you’re unmarried and those levels hit Dangerously Sexy near someone else, you’re going to get arrested. One night a year, however, the restriction is lifted, and everyone is free to get down however they see fit. It’s the Purge, but for fucking.

On this year’s “One Night” — no, I didn’t have a stroke; that’s just what everyone calls the annual twelve hours when unmarried people are allowed to get it on — pizza shop owner Owen (Turner) is planning to propose to his girlfriend (Maya Hawke). During their romantic dinner, however, she confesses that she wants to sleep with someone else. She promises that their relationship will survive this test and encourages the set-in-his-ways Owen to “get out of his box” by getting into some other woman’s box. Now, whereas you and I might consider this a deal-breaking transgression — these people have lived together in a committed relationship for years — this sexually-repressed era (era) has apparently made extra-curricular experimentation more acceptable. But why? Regardless of legality, why is Owen okay with this? Also, why would he wait for the One Night to propose? It isn’t the same as Valentine’s Day, and the film takes extra pains to explain that celebrants always prioritize their horniness over any romantic impulses. Choose literally any other day, right?

I have half a dozen other questions on that score, but let’s jump over to Allie (Monica Barbaro), a quirky single who makes a living singing those pharmaceutical-themed covers of pop songs. You know, Sara Bareilles’ “Brave,” but the lyrics are about plaque psoriasis? You get it. It’s very funny. Anyway, Allie’s the romantic type: Dolled up and heading out for the One Night, she and her bestie (Julia Fox) promise each other that they won’t just settle for “Mandate Dick” this year. In other words, no casual hookups. No, this time, Allie wants to meet her Prince Charming, someone she can forge a real connection with. Of course, the bestie immediately fucks off with the first stud she finds, leaving Allie alone in her principles with nary a Mandate Dick for consolation. But hang on. If her whole goal is a real connection, then why is she doing the One Night thing at all? Can’t she just go out and meet people and have conversations any day of the year? How isn’t there an app for this? Hell, you’re Monica Barbaro! Just go to a Barnes & Noble and wait for a hot dude to talk to you!

But, look. I’m not an idiot. I understand that movies need plot mechanics and that those mechanics often stretch credulity. I’m not trying to be Cinema Sins about this. I understand that all this Mandate business is allegorical and that screenwriter Travis Braun is just asking “what if?” like a good sci-fi scribe should. After all, it’s been a while since we’ve had a high-concept romantic comedy like One Night Only, and I really do want to celebrate its ambition. There’s a treasure trove of great observational humor here, from the canny ways that corporations have monetized this holiday — a sign outside Equinox reads: “You’ve trained all year for this one night” — to the extreme lengths horny people will go to in order to secure the last condom in New York City. There are even political overtones at play, with characters like Owen’s mother and her boyfriend (Molly Ringwald and LeVar Burton) arguing over the fascism of the Mandate, itself (though no one explains the logistics of distributing biosensors in a country that couldn’t effectively manage a COVID vaccine).

So while it rarely strays from the narrative guardrails of traditional romantic comedy, One Night Only is nevertheless a refreshing crowd-pleaser that had me fondly recalling clever blockbusters like Josh Hartnett’s 40 Days and 40 Nights and one-crazy-night charmers like Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. I still don’t really understand Callum Turner — though listening to him try to squeeze a New York accent over his English lilt like an ill-fitting Durex is comedy enough in itself — but Monica Barbaro is a movie star. The Top Gun: Maverick standout, singer, and Oscar nominee makes the most of her first major leading role, proving herself with comedy chops to match her powerful pipes. There’s a real x-factor to her whole affect, an innate empathy and emotional intelligence that helps her hold the screen in a film littered with familiar faces — including two funny cameos from Anyone But You stars Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney — and kept me invested in her character when I should have been poking more holes in the film’s bewildering central conceit.

Seriously, though. What about people under eighteen? Aren't teen pregnancy rates already down to historic lows? What happens if you get divorced? Do they withhold your certificate until you get your biomarker amended? Can married people sleep with other married people? We see police managing enforcement, but what about the other bureaucratic infrastructure? Sounds like socialized medicine to me! What if you start having sex before the buzzer, but you’re still at it when the buzzer goes off? Does everyone get to finish, or do they have to suffer a year of blue balls? Oh! There’s a reference to sex work at one point, and, like, what the hell’s going on there? How’s that a thing? And don’t even get me started on masturbation. Look, I know this is meant as a commentary on the banal idiocy of government and industry, and I’m with that, but I wish they’d offered more or less explanation to all this because now I can’t sleep. You know what? It’s a movie about hot people trying to have sex with each other. Maybe it’s best if we all just focus on that.

One Night Only hits U.S. theaters on Friday, August 7th.