(Forever indebted to Patrick for bringing this one to my attention - might be some shaky elements but the main cast's performances alone make this a goddamn masterpiece.)
😱 The Conjuring | 2013 dir. James Wan 😱 The Conjuring 2 | 2016 dir. James Wan 😱 Annabelle | 2014 dir. John R. Leonetti 😱 Annabelle Comes Home | 2019 dir. Gary Dauberman
01: Zach Cregger's RESIDENT EVIL (2026, IMAX; 2nd watch)
ReplyDeleteAustin Abrams could've used bigger, better weapons.
OR
Further proof Paul Walter Hauser'll do anything.
OR
More fucked-up "Katamari Damacy" than "RE" adaptation.
Night of the Living Dead (1968, dir. George A. Romero)
ReplyDeleteWell, at least the blood's not orange.
02: David Cronenberg's VIDEODROME (1983, CRITERION DVD)
ReplyDeleteLong Live [Sony's] virtual (disc-less, streaming-only) flesh!
OR
Stomach vag!na + penis = super-horny Max.
OR
"eXistenZ" called, wants its fleshy gun back.
03: Steven Spielberg's WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005, BLU-RAY)
ReplyDeleteDakota Fanning's screaming would've messed-up aliens anyway.
OR
Robbins... Freeman... strangest "Shawshank" reunion film ever.
04: Adam Wingard's THE GUEST (2014, AMC+)
ReplyDeleteDan Stevens AND Lance Reddick? Fucking A!
OR
Soldier does damndest to survive incoming onslaught.
A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
ReplyDeleteI’d take the next day off school
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012, dir. Paul W.S. Anderson)
ReplyDeletePorn if you're a wireframe model fetishist.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
ReplyDeleteDir.: Stephen Chiodo
Terenzi Brothers are on a list, guaranteed.
John Carpenter's The Fog (1980)
ReplyDelete"What kid? Got a show to host!"
The Devil's Rain (1975):
ReplyDelete"Tonight we honor Satan with—a SHATNERFICE!"
The Brides of Dracula (1960)
ReplyDeleteVan Helsing: vampire slayer, mechanical bat shoo-er.
TALES FROM THE CRYPT Episodes 1-3 (1989)
ReplyDeleteTwo episodes in, and it’s already Christmas?
05: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996, CINEPLEX, with the F This Movie Crew Commentary)
ReplyDeleteGuy smelling corpse gases = 🤢🤮
OR
Marathon of bad Dennis Miller impersonations... A+
OR
Chekhov's classic 'televised ministry's demon-slaying lasergun' trope.
THE CRAZIES (2010)
ReplyDeleteThe Crazies sure will make you crazy
or
Government makes mistake; the people will pay
Resident Evil (2026)
ReplyDeleteCamera moved, actor wasn’t pixels. Zero stars
Primate (2026)
ReplyDeleteShort for “pry your face off mate”
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)
ReplyDeleteHow many shots of Jessica Biel's midriff?
or
Must compliment Leatherface on his sewing abilities
or
Not how I remember Dazed and Confused
Fall (2022)
ReplyDeletePitch: 47 metres down except gravity sharks
Valentine (2001)
ReplyDeleteToilet hair, maggot chocolates, candlewax on dick.
Final Destination Bloodlines (2025, dir. Zach Lipovsky & Adam Stein)
ReplyDeleteBest "Bloodline" sequel (Hellraiser's bar was low).
TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996) (With F This Movie commentary!)
ReplyDeleteImportant: Miller’s character’s first name is “Rafe.”
Obsession (2026)
ReplyDeleteBiggest shock? Humans answering customer support line.
Backrooms (2026)
ReplyDelete"The Most Dangerous Game".....also Most Boring
Noita palaa elämään (1952) Mikko's recommendation in another thread.
ReplyDeleteMirja Mane dancing naked provides satisfying Finnish.
Love it!
DeleteColor Out Of Space (2019)
ReplyDeleteCaged by magenta? Al paca my bags!
THE BIRDS (1963)
ReplyDeleteSpies in disguise got out of control.
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
ReplyDeleteMy toddler’s review:
“Frankenstein sad. Frankenstein drink.”
VIY (1967)
ReplyDeletedir. Konstantin Yershov & Georgi Kropachyov
Big bad is bass player from Gwar?
BLACK MOON (1934)
ReplyDeleteTHIS is whatever happened to Fay Wray.
High tension (2003)
ReplyDeleteApparently they have a Texas in France.
Dracula (1931)
ReplyDeleteAlways my first movie of the season.
And…
Transylvanian townsfolk really know their vampire shit.
Backrooms (2026)
ReplyDeleteWhat's nutritional value of Still Life flesh?
My Little Eye (2002)
ReplyDeletePretty in line with modern reality TV
CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962)
ReplyDeleteMore movies should have church organist protagonists.
The First Power (1990)
ReplyDeleteDevil is secret expert in Kober Kai.
Passenger (2026)
ReplyDeleteI don't accept Vanlife as legitimate subculture.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
ReplyDeleteI have many questions for the director.
Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
ReplyDeleteYo Paulie your house don’t seem right.
Galaxy of Terror (1981)
ReplyDeleteEssential crew: medic, cook, throwing star aficionado.
The Horrible Dr. Hichcock (1962)
ReplyDelete"Let's make love."
"No."
"Why?"
"You're alive."
Audition (1999):
ReplyDeleteStill, she wrote a REALLY strong essay.
Heart Eyes (2025)
ReplyDeleteIt all comes down to Chekhov's straw
Summer School (1987)
ReplyDeleteCome for Kristy, stay for Texas Chainsaw
Backrooms (2026)
ReplyDeleteBackrooms, somehow less confusing than an IKEA.
From Dusk till Dawn(1998 Dir Robert Rodriguez)
ReplyDeletePromised lots of pussy. Saw zero cats.
😹😻😼
DeleteThe Woman (2011) (Arrow 4K - worth the upgrade!)
ReplyDeleteShe's the hero we need AND deserve.
(Forever indebted to Patrick for bringing this one to my attention - might be some shaky elements but the main cast's performances alone make this a goddamn masterpiece.)
Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
ReplyDeleteThe winner and still champion— Oh, Chic!
The Fog (1980)
ReplyDeleteYou’d also bang Tom Atkins that fast.
Identity (2003, new Arrow 4k)
ReplyDeleteI'm really gonna struggle with those pronouns.
The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
ReplyDeleteGreat, I'll be horny for snakes now.
Carnival of Souls (1962, dir. Herk Harvey)
ReplyDeleteCome for souls, stay for funnel cake!
BRIDE OF THE GORILLA (1951)
ReplyDeleteGorilla’s got a Burr in its fur.
Omen III: The Final Conflict (1981)
ReplyDeleteReally??? Why couldn't we get THIS Antichrist?
Psycho (1960)
ReplyDeleteThe scariest part: no AC in Phoenix.
Lake Placid (1999)
ReplyDeleteGotta admit I’m pretty Fonda this movie.
Deadly Blessing
ReplyDeletePardon me while I burst into flames.
Duel (1971)
ReplyDeleteGas is too expensive for these shenanigans
Friday the 13th Part 2(1981 Steve Miner)
ReplyDeleteShould've stayed with Ted at the bar
Demons (1985)
ReplyDeleteKiller Tomatoes' helicopter crash made more sense
The Brides of Dracula (1960)
ReplyDeleteGuess The Brides of Meinster wouldn't sell
Bring Her Back (2025)
ReplyDeleteFosters: Australian for "yo what the fuck?"
The Old Dark House (1932)
ReplyDeleteHe went Daffy Duck before Daffy Duck
😱 The Conjuring | 2013
ReplyDeletedir. James Wan
😱 The Conjuring 2 | 2016
dir. James Wan
😱 Annabelle | 2014
dir. John R. Leonetti
😱 Annabelle Comes Home | 2019
dir. Gary Dauberman
Timeline Schmineline
The Collection (2012)
ReplyDeleteDetection selection dissection connection affection protection interjection
Late Phases (2014, Dir. Adrián GarcÃa Bogliano)
ReplyDeleteWerewolves sent this neighborhood to the dogs.
THE CHILDREN (1980)
ReplyDeletedir. Max Kalmanowicz
Kiddie Black Crowes: too hot to handle
Review count for day 1: 65
ReplyDeleteThe Dark Half (1993)
ReplyDeleteNever mind actually, it IS a tumor!