Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Great Gatsby (2013)

I recently attended director Baz Luhrmann’s new screen version of The Great Gatsby. No matter what you may have heard about this movie, I was not disappointed. I went in expecting to hate it, and I did!

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Casino Royale

All this talk of James Bond this week has me so excited. Have you listened to the Skyfall podcast yet? No? Go do that now.

Our last Weekend Weigh-In asked for your favorite and least favorite Bond films. I was surprised that Casino Royale is one of our listeners’ favorite James Bond films. Because Casino Royale stinks! It stinks on ice.

Then I realized: all of you must mean the OTHER Casino Royale.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: One for the Road

This column has now run its course.  Before it ends, I would like to wring one final ounce of usefulness from our loyal readers.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Gone With the Wind

I really wanted to watch this again at the start of the summer because, from what I understand, Gone With The Wind is the prequel to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: (30) Stars of Summer: JB's Nightmare Version II

I am glad that so many of you are having fun playing (30) Stars of Summer with us this month. At least I hope you are all having fun. You are all having fun, aren’t you?

Fun is what it is ALL about.

But last night I had a very bad dream. I dreamed about what NEXT year’s (30) Stars of Summer lineup might just look like.

I do have to warn you -- it is terrifying.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: (30) Stars of Summer (Nightmare Version)

Those of you playing our (30) Stars of Summer game have an opportunity to “take a walk on the wild side,” and by “wild side,” I mean “shitty side.”

Sh!#ting on the Classics: My Oscar Fantasy

The dream is always the same.  Lynn Collins from John Carter begins to slowly unzip my pants. She asks me if I want my Oscar polished.

Have I ever mentioned that I call my penis “Oscar?”

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Dark Shadows

by JB

Spoiler alert! This movie sucks – and not because it features a vampire.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: A Beautiful Mind

2001 was a horrible year for America because a small group of fanatics conspired to attack the soul of our nation. Those fanatics? Ron Howard, Akiva Goldsman, and Russell Crowe. Their crime against humanity? A Beautiful Mind.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The English Patient

I’d rather be horribly burned in a plane crash than sit through this film again.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Three Stooges

I feel like poking the Farrelly Brothers in the eyes.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: An Open Letter to Tim Burton

Dear Timmy (Can I call you Timmy?)

We need to talk.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Birds

Last Tuesday I attended the Turner Classic Movies screening of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds at Chicago’s Music Box Theatre, the happiest place on earth. But what I witnessed there did not make me happy at all.

I will resist the temptation to make jokes about birds shitting all over everything because in this case, a misguided audience shit all over The Birds.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Dances with Wolves

Dances With Wolves is a magnificent 90-minute film. Unfortunately, the original theatrical release ran close to three hours. Even that film is hard to find among the bloat and aimlessness of the close-to-four-hour-long Extended Version.

Unlike Kevin Costner’s luxurious locks and porn star mustache, I will try to keep this short.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: The Greatest Show on Earth

Awhile back, Patrick and I devoted an entire podcast to Plan 9 From Outer Space. Many people feel that Plan 9 is the worst film ever made, and we took issue with this contention. I believe that I have found what is REALLY the worst movie ever made.

Hear that, children?  It is the sound of a murderous clown!

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Gladiator

This past weekend I wasted three hours of my life re-watching Gladiator — three hours that I will never get back. After the jump, I unleash hell.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Driving Miss Daisy

The Oscar race that concluded last week only proves that our entertainment community still has a problem with… race.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Love Story

What can you say about a forty-two year-old film that dies? That it was beautiful and brilliant? It was not. That it loved showing us two bad actors endlessly cavorting in the snow...had no concern whatsoever with dramatic logic or continuity...and still bugs me?

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Oscar, Shmoskar, Part Deux

Hey, F’Heads! It is Valentine’s Day! Do not forget to give your significant other some flowers, or a fancy dinner, or chocolates, or a handmade coupon for a free backrub, or a willingness to try that thing (not THAT thing, the other thing) that your hubby has been pestering you about for the better part of 156 months.

My Valentine this year is the Oscars! I am giving the Oscars a homemade pie made out of poo. Allow me to explain.

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Oscar, Shmoskar

Two weeks ago, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced their nominations for their annual “Oscar” awards. The Academy yet again provided a small, perfect example of what is wrong with the Oscars, indeed, what has been wrong with the Oscars since their inception (the film that should have won Best Picture last year).

Brad Pitt appeared in two films in 2011; in one, he gave a strange, nuanced performance that even people who hate the film have commented on favorably. In the other, he phoned in a grinning, “aw shucks” big star performance. Guess which one got the nomination?