'ONE AND DONE' DOUBLE TROUBLE! 127.- JOHN DE HART: CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS, aka GETEVEN (1993, FAWESOME)
A heavyweight contender to challenge Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" as the most epic vanity project ever made, "C&B's" writer/producer/director/singer John De Hart doesn't let the fact his on-screen middle-aged persona is not good at anything he portrays (sex God to a much younger woman, Shakespearean monologuer, Southern California policeman, would-be alcoholic, badass Rambo-type hero, etc.) interfere with the fantasy of his Rick Bode character's charmed life. Whether it's singing 'Shimmy Slide' to a roomful of drunk cowboy patrons (the opening act to an actual strip show) and trying to fight the lies of his former boss (William Smith) that got him kicked off the police, or helping a friend in need (Wings Hauser, leaving no alcohol container half-full or background scenery not chewed) when his inner demons push him to the brink, Rick is the friend/lover we all wish we had. But it's only in the movie's last 15 minutes, when the cultists that Bode's just-married wife Cindy (Pamela Bryant) used to be a part of before they sacrificed her baby to Satan (!) come back for payback, that our hero turns to his pistol crossbow and puts on the camo tank top.
Except for De Hart giving Smith and Hauser plenty of screentime rather than hugging the camera all to himself (not a problem since every other character comments how amazing Rick Bode is), this is a must-watch for so-bad-it's-good movie connoisseurs. 4.75 EXTRAS BITCH-SLAPPED BY A DRUNK WINGS HAUSER ON THE FLOOR OF A CROWDED BAR (out of five).
You mentioned this one when suggesting Vanity Projects! as a Junesploitation! category-- it'd been on my watchlist for a minute but I hadn't got to it. Thanks for the inspiration to get this one on my next Bad Movie Night triple bill!
Champagne and Bullets is a pretty great pick! I saw it a few months ago and was very entertained. Just one special moment is during a bedroom scene where the lady does a very silly strip/dance followed by De Hart handing his drink to an off-camera worker who's not in the scene.
There are a couple of different cuts of this—I saw "Champagne and Bullets" and the only drawback for me was that it dragged in a couple of moments that went on too long. I think the HDTGM podcast pointed out the changes that exist in the "GetEven" and "Road to Revenge" cuts.
128.- MARK SWETLAND: BLOOD AND STEEL (1990, AMAZON RENTAL). Streaming on TUBI, FAWESOME, XUMO PLAY, CINEVERSE.
A love letter to Bruce Lee with a capital 'L,' "Blood and Steel" starts like a slasher (two girls are killed by a knife-wielding masked man) only because it needs to establish that the sister of martial arts expert 'Mark Swetland' (played by one-man-band Mark Swetland, who looks like "He-Man's" Prince Adam) is one of the victims. Somehow this ties up with a drug ring involving bikers, bosses/workers at a steel mill, and a bad martial arts sensei (which I guess makes his students villains?) who's first on the receiving end of Mark's angry wrath. Muffled sound makes dialogue at times unintelligible, but the story's so simple only the connecting tissue is missing. We're here to see a hero kick ass, and Mark Swetland is the real 'DIY' deal. Camera work is surprisingly fluid and directing/editing/fight choreography (all by Swetland) competent. Whether Mark's fighting, making suggestive poses with nunchucks, throwing high kicks or elbowing opponents into unconsciousness, he showcases the product of years of training that only a true Bruce Lee fanatic would endure. He also has a sense of humor ('Missed!' 🤣), and enough friends/martial arts students to help him throw exploding bikes off cliffs and stage group fights worthy of "Miami Connection" comparisons. The rare vanity project where the centerpiece of attention earns the right to be self-centered. 4.5 SHAGGED CARPETS IN FRONT OF OPEN FIREPLACES ABOUT TO CATCH FIRE (out of five).
129.- MICHAEL WINNER: THE MECHANIC (1972, KINO LORBER BLU-RAY). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL, TUBI, PLUTO.
Before their reign of low-budget projects at Cannon Films in the 1980's, director Michael Winner and Charles Bronson made some "classier" movies together. You know, the type where pictures/paintings of topless women hang on walls.😉😰Their 2nd collaboration, "The Mechanic," (after "Chato's Land" the same year) was the "John Wick" of its era (ERA!) with a healthy dash of James Bond fantasy (binoculars with camera attachments, C4 explosives with manual timers, etc.) mixed into its tale of methodical, high-class assassin Arthur Bishop (Bronson) working for a secret 'Organization.' After being forced to eliminate his closest friend/confidant, Arthur takes eager-to-learn young buck Steve (Jan-Michael Vincent) as his protégé on his next couple of assignments. Things unravel on a rush job in Naples (including the same town where Denzel Washington goes to live in "The Equalizer III"), testing the men's loyalty to one another and their employer. Jill Ireland shows up as a high-priced prost!tute because, well, it's either that or Bronson would have walked off the picture. 😠There are a few good car/motorcycle chases and big 'splosions, but "The Mechanic" is worth seeing for the chemistry between veteran Bronson and rookie Vincent constantly trying to outsmart and outthink one another. Hitchcock was right, it's fun to watch experts being good at their job. 4.05 $100-A-PIECE "LOVE" LETTERS (out of five).
130.- JOHN DEREK: GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT (1989, BLU-RAY). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, CINEVERSE, FAWESOME.
As if plowing a pre-"Dr. No" Ursula Andress (1960's) and young Linda Evans (early 70's) wasn't enough, actor/cinematographer-turned-director John Derek married 30-years-her-senior Bo Derek in 1976. Then he spent the 80's making movies about how beautiful his wife was (a "10," most people would say! 😲🫣): "Fantasies," "Tarzan The Ape Man," "Bolero." The story/direction for these was mediocre at best, but the attractive star sure didn't mind constantly giving paying customers the full frontal. But the height of John Derek's vanity became fully realized in his last directorial effort, "Ghost Can't Do It."
Released five years after the couple's last collaboration (the aforementioned "Bolero"), the story has Derek's much-older husband Scott (Anthony Quinn) suffering a debilitating heart attack that renders him impotent. So the old man offs himself (what's the point of being married to Bo if you can't f*ck her?), but a kind angel (Julie 'Catwoman' Newmar) approves of afterlife Scott's plan to re-enter the living in a much younger man's body to please the dying-to-have-sex-again-with-Scott Derek's repressed er0tic appetite. With Scott changing clothes (!) and constantly talking from the afterlife to his Earth-bound wife that can hear his rantings (ala "Ghost," which came out around the same time in the States), some corporate intrigue about Scott's business empire and threats of danger (a would-be pool assassin that jams some pills up Bo's... posterior, off-camera! 😳), "Ghosts Can't Do It" is old man fantasies dialed up to 11. An older friend of the family and colleague of Scott's, Winston (Don Murray), isn't an automatic turn-off for Derek despite plenty of younger men around Bo at all times. WHAT??!! 🤣😅 The sincerity with which the horrible dialogue wants us to believe we're emotionally invested in Bo and Scott getting back together corporally elevates this from embarrassing to guilty pleasure supreme. 3.85 'AND YES, THAT WAS THE REAL DONALD TRUMP' CLOSING CREDITS (out of five).
BONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 23! (Yes, we took Day 22 off. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄) 131.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: OLYM-PINKS (2/22/1980, YOUTUBE)
With his Saturday morning cartoon shows on network TV over (only syndicated repeats from then on), The Pink Panther started the 1980's relegated to two half-hour themed animated specials on ABC. First was "Olim-Pinks," a winter sports-themed cartoon tied around the Lake Placid, NY Winter Olympics of 1980. A rivalry between The Little Man (who is back at being all-white after being animated in color during the last batch of animated shorts) and the Panther develops from the moment they board the train to Lake Placid, all the way through various sporting events (sled, high jump, slalom skiing, etc.). Directed by Friz Freleng (his last 'PP' contribution before leaving DePatie-Freleng Enterprises and returning to Warner Bros.), there are a lot of dumb and boring gags (a piano chasing the Panther from a hotel all the way through electrical wires and snow courses) and some clever/funny ones (' ̶W̶O̶M̶E̶N̶'̶S̶ MEN'S BATHROOM' 🤣) with a lot of average-at-best recycled comedy in-between. And the most insane part was when the Pink Panther helped the no-good team of U.S. Men's Hockey rookies win against The Little Man's U.S.S.R. powerhouse Hockey dynasty. Those wacky cartoon writers, what other crazy idea will they come up with next? 😉😛2.85 $0.35-CENT MEATBALLS (out of five).
132.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: PINK AT FIRST SIGHT (2/14/1981, YOUTUBE)
Now this is a weird one, a 30 min. Valentine's Day network TV special (the first made by Marvel Animation after it swallowed DFE in a corporate merger) about a cartoon character that never had an official female counterpart (ala Bugs Bunny's Lola Bunny). In "Pink At First Sight" a jealous and broke Pink Panther (no money in his pockets, a recurring theme since the 60's animated theatrical shorts) watches as everybody around him has a loved one around their arms. He even starts fantasizing that some human ladies (and even a teddy bear from a crying baby) are a sexy, female version of... himself (with furry chest and protruding bottom... yikes! 🥶🥵). A wrong delivery of a Valentine's Gift meant for someone else makes the Panther follow a messenger to a bustling workplace where messengers are needed to make all the deliveries for that special day. With visions of cash in his head, the Panther "buys" a cassette player and some tapes to lip-synch his way into his customer's hearts.
Oh, did I mention almost all human characters around the PP speak? It's weird hearing dialogue around a silent protagonist even though The Panther never talks, only lip-synchs public domain songs. Despite some old-fashioned cartoon gags like gangsters coming after our hero (some of them voiced by Frank Welker) and an overall sense of 'meh,' the weirdness of so much spoken dialogue and the protagonist daydreaming about a sexy version of himself lifts this special to a higher score than I anticipated. A generous 3.6 ANGRY GOLFERS DRIVING THEIR CARS INTO THE DRINK (out of five).
TOKUGAWA S-E-X BAN: LUSTFUL LORD (1972, dir. Norifumi Suzuki)
Norifumi Suzuki was involved in many Japanese exploitation genres in the 1960s and 1970s. The pinky violence films and the nunsploitation film School of the Holy Beast are probably what he is best-known for now, but he also sometimes worked in the s-e-x films side of the industry. With Tokugawa S-e-x Ban and the later film Star of David: Hunting Beautiful Girls, the mingling of titillation with outbursts of violence created some unusual (and sometimes uncomfortable) viewing experiences.
The story of Tokugawa S-e-x Ban follows a feudal lord as he discovers the pleasures of the flesh with a French p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e. When she becomes the lord's mistress, his new wife is not happy about it, nor are the people around the lord. The wife just happens to be the Shogun's daughter, which can bring trouble for everyone. Frustrated with this meddling in his personal affairs, the lord decrees a ban on all s-e-x-u-a-l activity in his domain, punishable by death. The tone varies between being comedic, serious, and deliberately absurd. The lord ordering a woman to commit harakiri while her boyfriend has to act as the assistant to cut off her head typifies the strange tone of the film. There are also goofy moments of people literally being driven crazy by the ban.
The pinky violence films are the best place to start with Suzuki's output. Tokugawa S-e-x Ban ends up being a bizarre outlier in his career.
'ONE AND DONE' DOUBLE TROUBLE!
ReplyDelete127.- JOHN DE HART: CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS, aka GETEVEN (1993, FAWESOME)
A heavyweight contender to challenge Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" as the most epic vanity project ever made, "C&B's" writer/producer/director/singer John De Hart doesn't let the fact his on-screen middle-aged persona is not good at anything he portrays (sex God to a much younger woman, Shakespearean monologuer, Southern California policeman, would-be alcoholic, badass Rambo-type hero, etc.) interfere with the fantasy of his Rick Bode character's charmed life. Whether it's singing 'Shimmy Slide' to a roomful of drunk cowboy patrons (the opening act to an actual strip show) and trying to fight the lies of his former boss (William Smith) that got him kicked off the police, or helping a friend in need (Wings Hauser, leaving no alcohol container half-full or background scenery not chewed) when his inner demons push him to the brink, Rick is the friend/lover we all wish we had. But it's only in the movie's last 15 minutes, when the cultists that Bode's just-married wife Cindy (Pamela Bryant) used to be a part of before they sacrificed her baby to Satan (!) come back for payback, that our hero turns to his pistol crossbow and puts on the camo tank top.
Except for De Hart giving Smith and Hauser plenty of screentime rather than hugging the camera all to himself (not a problem since every other character comments how amazing Rick Bode is), this is a must-watch for so-bad-it's-good movie connoisseurs. 4.75 EXTRAS BITCH-SLAPPED BY A DRUNK WINGS HAUSER ON THE FLOOR OF A CROWDED BAR (out of five).
You mentioned this one when suggesting Vanity Projects! as a Junesploitation! category-- it'd been on my watchlist for a minute but I hadn't got to it. Thanks for the inspiration to get this one on my next Bad Movie Night triple bill!
DeleteYou're welcome. 😁 Prepare/steel yourself, this is hardcore stuff. 😜
DeleteNever heard of this. 4.75 drunk Wings Hauser sounds like a winner to me.
DeleteChampagne and Bullets is a pretty great pick! I saw it a few months ago and was very entertained. Just one special moment is during a bedroom scene where the lady does a very silly strip/dance followed by De Hart handing his drink to an off-camera worker who's not in the scene.
DeleteThere are a couple of different cuts of this—I saw "Champagne and Bullets" and the only drawback for me was that it dragged in a couple of moments that went on too long. I think the HDTGM podcast pointed out the changes that exist in the "GetEven" and "Road to Revenge" cuts.
128.- MARK SWETLAND: BLOOD AND STEEL (1990, AMAZON RENTAL). Streaming on TUBI, FAWESOME, XUMO PLAY, CINEVERSE.
ReplyDeleteA love letter to Bruce Lee with a capital 'L,' "Blood and Steel" starts like a slasher (two girls are killed by a knife-wielding masked man) only because it needs to establish that the sister of martial arts expert 'Mark Swetland' (played by one-man-band Mark Swetland, who looks like "He-Man's" Prince Adam) is one of the victims. Somehow this ties up with a drug ring involving bikers, bosses/workers at a steel mill, and a bad martial arts sensei (which I guess makes his students villains?) who's first on the receiving end of Mark's angry wrath. Muffled sound makes dialogue at times unintelligible, but the story's so simple only the connecting tissue is missing. We're here to see a hero kick ass, and Mark Swetland is the real 'DIY' deal. Camera work is surprisingly fluid and directing/editing/fight choreography (all by Swetland) competent. Whether Mark's fighting, making suggestive poses with nunchucks, throwing high kicks or elbowing opponents into unconsciousness, he showcases the product of years of training that only a true Bruce Lee fanatic would endure. He also has a sense of humor ('Missed!' 🤣), and enough friends/martial arts students to help him throw exploding bikes off cliffs and stage group fights worthy of "Miami Connection" comparisons. The rare vanity project where the centerpiece of attention earns the right to be self-centered. 4.5 SHAGGED CARPETS IN FRONT OF OPEN FIREPLACES ABOUT TO CATCH FIRE (out of five).
129.- MICHAEL WINNER: THE MECHANIC (1972, KINO LORBER BLU-RAY). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL, TUBI, PLUTO.
ReplyDeleteBefore their reign of low-budget projects at Cannon Films in the 1980's, director Michael Winner and Charles Bronson made some "classier" movies together. You know, the type where pictures/paintings of topless women hang on walls.😉😰Their 2nd collaboration, "The Mechanic," (after "Chato's Land" the same year) was the "John Wick" of its era (ERA!) with a healthy dash of James Bond fantasy (binoculars with camera attachments, C4 explosives with manual timers, etc.) mixed into its tale of methodical, high-class assassin Arthur Bishop (Bronson) working for a secret 'Organization.' After being forced to eliminate his closest friend/confidant, Arthur takes eager-to-learn young buck Steve (Jan-Michael Vincent) as his protégé on his next couple of assignments. Things unravel on a rush job in Naples (including the same town where Denzel Washington goes to live in "The Equalizer III"), testing the men's loyalty to one another and their employer. Jill Ireland shows up as a high-priced prost!tute because, well, it's either that or Bronson would have walked off the picture. 😠There are a few good car/motorcycle chases and big 'splosions, but "The Mechanic" is worth seeing for the chemistry between veteran Bronson and rookie Vincent constantly trying to outsmart and outthink one another. Hitchcock was right, it's fun to watch experts being good at their job. 4.05 $100-A-PIECE "LOVE" LETTERS (out of five).
130.- JOHN DEREK: GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT (1989, BLU-RAY). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, CINEVERSE, FAWESOME.
ReplyDeleteAs if plowing a pre-"Dr. No" Ursula Andress (1960's) and young Linda Evans (early 70's) wasn't enough, actor/cinematographer-turned-director John Derek married 30-years-her-senior Bo Derek in 1976. Then he spent the 80's making movies about how beautiful his wife was (a "10," most people would say! 😲🫣): "Fantasies," "Tarzan The Ape Man," "Bolero." The story/direction for these was mediocre at best, but the attractive star sure didn't mind constantly giving paying customers the full frontal. But the height of John Derek's vanity became fully realized in his last directorial effort, "Ghost Can't Do It."
Released five years after the couple's last collaboration (the aforementioned "Bolero"), the story has Derek's much-older husband Scott (Anthony Quinn) suffering a debilitating heart attack that renders him impotent. So the old man offs himself (what's the point of being married to Bo if you can't f*ck her?), but a kind angel (Julie 'Catwoman' Newmar) approves of afterlife Scott's plan to re-enter the living in a much younger man's body to please the dying-to-have-sex-again-with-Scott Derek's repressed er0tic appetite. With Scott changing clothes (!) and constantly talking from the afterlife to his Earth-bound wife that can hear his rantings (ala "Ghost," which came out around the same time in the States), some corporate intrigue about Scott's business empire and threats of danger (a would-be pool assassin that jams some pills up Bo's... posterior, off-camera! 😳), "Ghosts Can't Do It" is old man fantasies dialed up to 11. An older friend of the family and colleague of Scott's, Winston (Don Murray), isn't an automatic turn-off for Derek despite plenty of younger men around Bo at all times. WHAT??!! 🤣😅 The sincerity with which the horrible dialogue wants us to believe we're emotionally invested in Bo and Scott getting back together corporally elevates this from embarrassing to guilty pleasure supreme. 3.85 'AND YES, THAT WAS THE REAL DONALD TRUMP' CLOSING CREDITS (out of five).
BONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 23! (Yes, we took Day 22 off. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄)
ReplyDelete131.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: OLYM-PINKS (2/22/1980, YOUTUBE)
With his Saturday morning cartoon shows on network TV over (only syndicated repeats from then on), The Pink Panther started the 1980's relegated to two half-hour themed animated specials on ABC. First was "Olim-Pinks," a winter sports-themed cartoon tied around the Lake Placid, NY Winter Olympics of 1980. A rivalry between The Little Man (who is back at being all-white after being animated in color during the last batch of animated shorts) and the Panther develops from the moment they board the train to Lake Placid, all the way through various sporting events (sled, high jump, slalom skiing, etc.). Directed by Friz Freleng (his last 'PP' contribution before leaving DePatie-Freleng Enterprises and returning to Warner Bros.), there are a lot of dumb and boring gags (a piano chasing the Panther from a hotel all the way through electrical wires and snow courses) and some clever/funny ones (' ̶W̶O̶M̶E̶N̶'̶S̶ MEN'S BATHROOM' 🤣) with a lot of average-at-best recycled comedy in-between. And the most insane part was when the Pink Panther helped the no-good team of U.S. Men's Hockey rookies win against The Little Man's U.S.S.R. powerhouse Hockey dynasty. Those wacky cartoon writers, what other crazy idea will they come up with next? 😉😛2.85 $0.35-CENT MEATBALLS (out of five).
132.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: PINK AT FIRST SIGHT (2/14/1981, YOUTUBE)
DeleteNow this is a weird one, a 30 min. Valentine's Day network TV special (the first made by Marvel Animation after it swallowed DFE in a corporate merger) about a cartoon character that never had an official female counterpart (ala Bugs Bunny's Lola Bunny). In "Pink At First Sight" a jealous and broke Pink Panther (no money in his pockets, a recurring theme since the 60's animated theatrical shorts) watches as everybody around him has a loved one around their arms. He even starts fantasizing that some human ladies (and even a teddy bear from a crying baby) are a sexy, female version of... himself (with furry chest and protruding bottom... yikes! 🥶🥵). A wrong delivery of a Valentine's Gift meant for someone else makes the Panther follow a messenger to a bustling workplace where messengers are needed to make all the deliveries for that special day. With visions of cash in his head, the Panther "buys" a cassette player and some tapes to lip-synch his way into his customer's hearts.
Oh, did I mention almost all human characters around the PP speak? It's weird hearing dialogue around a silent protagonist even though The Panther never talks, only lip-synchs public domain songs. Despite some old-fashioned cartoon gags like gangsters coming after our hero (some of them voiced by Frank Welker) and an overall sense of 'meh,' the weirdness of so much spoken dialogue and the protagonist daydreaming about a sexy version of himself lifts this special to a higher score than I anticipated. A generous 3.6 ANGRY GOLFERS DRIVING THEIR CARS INTO THE DRINK (out of five).
TOKUGAWA S-E-X BAN: LUSTFUL LORD (1972, dir. Norifumi Suzuki)
ReplyDeleteNorifumi Suzuki was involved in many Japanese exploitation genres in the 1960s and 1970s. The pinky violence films and the nunsploitation film School of the Holy Beast are probably what he is best-known for now, but he also sometimes worked in the s-e-x films side of the industry. With Tokugawa S-e-x Ban and the later film Star of David: Hunting Beautiful Girls, the mingling of titillation with outbursts of violence created some unusual (and sometimes uncomfortable) viewing experiences.
The story of Tokugawa S-e-x Ban follows a feudal lord as he discovers the pleasures of the flesh with a French p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e. When she becomes the lord's mistress, his new wife is not happy about it, nor are the people around the lord. The wife just happens to be the Shogun's daughter, which can bring trouble for everyone. Frustrated with this meddling in his personal affairs, the lord decrees a ban on all s-e-x-u-a-l activity in his domain, punishable by death. The tone varies between being comedic, serious, and deliberately absurd. The lord ordering a woman to commit harakiri while her boyfriend has to act as the assistant to cut off her head typifies the strange tone of the film. There are also goofy moments of people literally being driven crazy by the ban.
The pinky violence films are the best place to start with Suzuki's output. Tokugawa S-e-x Ban ends up being a bizarre outlier in his career.