'ONE AND DONE' DOUBLE TROUBLE! 127.- JOHN DE HART: CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS, aka GETEVEN (1993, FAWESOME)
A heavyweight contender to challenge Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" as the most epic vanity project ever made, "C&B's" writer/producer/director/singer John De Hart doesn't let the fact his on-screen middle-aged persona is not good at anything he portrays (sex God to a much younger woman, Shakespearean monologuer, Southern California policeman, would-be alcoholic, badass Rambo-type hero, etc.) interfere with the fantasy of his Rick Bode character's charmed life. Whether it's singing 'Shimmy Slide' to a roomful of drunk cowboy patrons (the opening act to an actual strip show) and trying to fight the lies of his former boss (William Smith) that got him kicked off the police, or helping a friend in need (Wings Hauser, leaving no alcohol container half-full or background scenery not chewed) when his inner demons push him to the brink, Rick is the friend/lover we all wish we had. But it's only in the movie's last 15 minutes, when the cultists that Bode's just-married wife Cindy (Pamela Bryant) used to be a part of before they sacrificed her baby to Satan (!) come back for payback, that our hero turns to his pistol crossbow and puts on the camo tank top.
Except for De Hart giving Smith and Hauser plenty of screentime rather than hugging the camera all to himself (not a problem since every other character comments how amazing Rick Bode is), this is a must-watch for so-bad-it's-good movie connoisseurs. 4.75 EXTRAS BITCH-SLAPPED BY A DRUNK WINGS HAUSER ON THE FLOOR OF A CROWDED BAR (out of five).
You mentioned this one when suggesting Vanity Projects! as a Junesploitation! category-- it'd been on my watchlist for a minute but I hadn't got to it. Thanks for the inspiration to get this one on my next Bad Movie Night triple bill!
Champagne and Bullets is a pretty great pick! I saw it a few months ago and was very entertained. Just one special moment is during a bedroom scene where the lady does a very silly strip/dance followed by De Hart handing his drink to an off-camera worker who's not in the scene.
There are a couple of different cuts of this—I saw "Champagne and Bullets" and the only drawback for me was that it dragged in a couple of moments that went on too long. I think the HDTGM podcast pointed out the changes that exist in the "GetEven" and "Road to Revenge" cuts.
zillagord-- As a big fan of bad movies, let me share a couple in case they're under the radar for you!
Beretta's Island 1993, same year as C&B! You never have to wait long for something laughable, and the whole thing feels like an excuse for the writer/star Franco Columbu to get paid to visit his homeland. Bonus: Arnold Schwarzenegger—in his prime—is in a scene as a favor to Columbu (who was his bodybuilding friend).
Lady Terminator 1988, a loose Indonesian ripoff of Terminator. Bad writing, weird side characters, crazy gunfights... so good. There's a very awkward scene in a bar early on that has me shaking my head right now.
The Boxer’s Omen 1983, a HK Action movie I just came across on Arrow player last June. This blew me away visually in so many ways... creatures, mutilations, magic, etc. A must see!
128.- MARK SWETLAND: BLOOD AND STEEL (1990, AMAZON RENTAL). Streaming on TUBI, FAWESOME, XUMO PLAY, CINEVERSE.
A love letter to Bruce Lee with a capital 'L,' "Blood and Steel" starts like a slasher (two girls are killed by a knife-wielding masked man) only because it needs to establish that the sister of martial arts expert 'Mark Swetland' (played by one-man-band Mark Swetland, who looks like "He-Man's" Prince Adam) is one of the victims. Somehow this ties up with a drug ring involving bikers, bosses/workers at a steel mill, and a bad martial arts sensei (which I guess makes his students villains?) who's first on the receiving end of Mark's angry wrath. Muffled sound makes dialogue at times unintelligible, but the story's so simple only the connecting tissue is missing. We're here to see a hero kick ass, and Mark Swetland is the real 'DIY' deal. Camera work is surprisingly fluid and directing/editing/fight choreography (all by Swetland) competent. Whether Mark's fighting, making suggestive poses with nunchucks, throwing high kicks or elbowing opponents into unconsciousness, he showcases the product of years of training that only a true Bruce Lee fanatic would endure. He also has a sense of humor ('Missed!' 🤣), and enough friends/martial arts students to help him throw exploding bikes off cliffs and stage group fights worthy of "Miami Connection" comparisons. The rare vanity project where the centerpiece of attention earns the right to be self-centered. 4.5 SHAGGED CARPETS IN FRONT OF OPEN FIREPLACES ABOUT TO CATCH FIRE (out of five).
129.- MICHAEL WINNER: THE MECHANIC (1972, KINO LORBER BLU-RAY). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL, TUBI, PLUTO.
Before their reign of low-budget projects at Cannon Films in the 1980's, director Michael Winner and Charles Bronson made some "classier" movies together. You know, the type where pictures/paintings of topless women hang on walls.😉😰Their 2nd collaboration, "The Mechanic," (after "Chato's Land" the same year) was the "John Wick" of its era (ERA!) with a healthy dash of James Bond fantasy (binoculars with camera attachments, C4 explosives with manual timers, etc.) mixed into its tale of methodical, high-class assassin Arthur Bishop (Bronson) working for a secret 'Organization.' After being forced to eliminate his closest friend/confidant, Arthur takes eager-to-learn young buck Steve (Jan-Michael Vincent) as his protégé on his next couple of assignments. Things unravel on a rush job in Naples (including the same town where Denzel Washington goes to live in "The Equalizer III"), testing the men's loyalty to one another and their employer. Jill Ireland shows up as a high-priced prost!tute because, well, it's either that or Bronson would have walked off the picture. 😠There are a few good car/motorcycle chases and big 'splosions, but "The Mechanic" is worth seeing for the chemistry between veteran Bronson and rookie Vincent constantly trying to outsmart and outthink one another. Hitchcock was right, it's fun to watch experts being good at their job. 4.05 $100-A-PIECE "LOVE" LETTERS (out of five).
130.- JOHN DEREK: GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT (1989, BLU-RAY). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, CINEVERSE, FAWESOME.
As if plowing a pre-"Dr. No" Ursula Andress (1960's) and young Linda Evans (early 70's) wasn't enough, actor/cinematographer-turned-director John Derek married 30-years-her-senior Bo Derek in 1976. Then he spent the 80's making movies about how beautiful his wife was (a "10," most people would say! 😲🫣): "Fantasies," "Tarzan The Ape Man," "Bolero." The story/direction for these was mediocre at best, but the attractive star sure didn't mind constantly giving paying customers the full frontal. But the height of John Derek's vanity became fully realized in his last directorial effort, "Ghost Can't Do It."
Released five years after the couple's last collaboration (the aforementioned "Bolero"), the story has Derek's much-older husband Scott (Anthony Quinn) suffering a debilitating heart attack that renders him impotent. So the old man offs himself (what's the point of being married to Bo if you can't f*ck her?), but a kind angel (Julie 'Catwoman' Newmar) approves of afterlife Scott's plan to re-enter the living in a much younger man's body to please the dying-to-have-sex-again-with-Scott Derek's repressed er0tic appetite. With Scott changing clothes (!) and constantly talking from the afterlife to his Earth-bound wife that can hear his rantings (ala "Ghost," which came out around the same time in the States), some corporate intrigue about Scott's business empire and threats of danger (a would-be pool assassin that jams some pills up Bo's... posterior, off-camera! 😳), "Ghosts Can't Do It" is old man fantasies dialed up to 11. An older friend of the family and colleague of Scott's, Winston (Don Murray), isn't an automatic turn-off for Derek despite plenty of younger men around Bo at all times. WHAT??!! 🤣😅 The sincerity with which the horrible dialogue wants us to believe we're emotionally invested in Bo and Scott getting back together corporally elevates this from embarrassing to guilty pleasure supreme. 3.85 'AND YES, THAT WAS THE REAL DONALD TRUMP' CLOSING CREDITS (out of five).
BONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 23! (Yes, we took Day 22 off. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄) 131.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: OLYM-PINKS (2/22/1980, YOUTUBE)
With his Saturday morning cartoon shows on network TV over (only syndicated repeats from then on), The Pink Panther started the 1980's relegated to two half-hour themed animated specials on ABC. First was "Olim-Pinks," a winter sports-themed cartoon tied around the Lake Placid, NY Winter Olympics of 1980. A rivalry between The Little Man (who is back at being all-white after being animated in color during the last batch of animated shorts) and the Panther develops from the moment they board the train to Lake Placid, all the way through various sporting events (sled, high jump, slalom skiing, etc.). Directed by Friz Freleng (his last 'PP' contribution before leaving DePatie-Freleng Enterprises and returning to Warner Bros.), there are a lot of dumb and boring gags (a piano chasing the Panther from a hotel all the way through electrical wires and snow courses) and some clever/funny ones (' ̶W̶O̶M̶E̶N̶'̶S̶ MEN'S BATHROOM' 🤣) with a lot of average-at-best recycled comedy in-between. And the most insane part was when the Pink Panther helped the no-good team of U.S. Men's Hockey rookies win against The Little Man's U.S.S.R. powerhouse Hockey dynasty. Those wacky cartoon writers, what other crazy idea will they come up with next? 😉😛2.85 $0.35-CENT MEATBALLS (out of five).
132.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: PINK AT FIRST SIGHT (2/14/1981, YOUTUBE)
Now this is a weird one, a 30 min. Valentine's Day network TV special (the first made by Marvel Animation after it swallowed DFE in a corporate merger) about a cartoon character that never had an official female counterpart (ala Bugs Bunny's Lola Bunny). In "Pink At First Sight" a jealous and broke Pink Panther (no money in his pockets, a recurring theme since the 60's animated theatrical shorts) watches as everybody around him has a loved one around their arms. He even starts fantasizing that some human ladies (and even a teddy bear from a crying baby) are a sexy, female version of... himself (with furry chest and protruding bottom... yikes! 🥶🥵). A wrong delivery of a Valentine's Gift meant for someone else makes the Panther follow a messenger to a bustling workplace where messengers are needed to make all the deliveries for that special day. With visions of cash in his head, the Panther "buys" a cassette player and some tapes to lip-synch his way into his customer's hearts.
Oh, did I mention almost all human characters around the PP speak? It's weird hearing dialogue around a silent protagonist even though The Panther never talks, only lip-synchs public domain songs. Despite some old-fashioned cartoon gags like gangsters coming after our hero (some of them voiced by Frank Welker) and an overall sense of 'meh,' the weirdness of so much spoken dialogue and the protagonist daydreaming about a sexy version of himself lifts this special to a higher score than I anticipated. A generous 3.6 ANGRY GOLFERS DRIVING THEIR CARS INTO THE DRINK (out of five).
TOKUGAWA S-E-X BAN: LUSTFUL LORD (1972, dir. Norifumi Suzuki)
Norifumi Suzuki was involved in many Japanese exploitation genres in the 1960s and 1970s. The pinky violence films and the nunsploitation film School of the Holy Beast are probably what he is best-known for now, but he also sometimes worked in the s-e-x films side of the industry. With Tokugawa S-e-x Ban and the later film Star of David: Hunting Beautiful Girls, the mingling of titillation with outbursts of violence created some unusual (and sometimes uncomfortable) viewing experiences.
The story of Tokugawa S-e-x Ban follows a feudal lord as he discovers the pleasures of the flesh with a French p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e. When she becomes the lord's mistress, his new wife is not happy about it, nor are the people around the lord. The wife just happens to be the Shogun's daughter, which can bring trouble for everyone. Frustrated with this meddling in his personal affairs, the lord decrees a ban on all s-e-x-u-a-l activity in his domain, punishable by death. The tone varies between being comedic, serious, and deliberately absurd. The lord ordering a woman to commit harakiri while her boyfriend has to act as the assistant to cut off her head typifies the strange tone of the film. There are also goofy moments of people literally being driven crazy by the ban.
The pinky violence films are the best place to start with Suzuki's output. Tokugawa S-e-x Ban ends up being a bizarre outlier in his career.
Though only a recent category, Exploitation Auteurs is one that I have come to appreciate because of its flexibility. I was pleased to find a way to squeeze this film in this month.
A ripped, Harvard educated, clean-energy research scientist fights back against the nuclear waste dumping corporation that reneged on his 99-year lease of… Choke Canyon.
Lance Hendriksen is the corporate fixer but isn’t given much to do. Bo Svenson is the Terminator-like corporate muscle. Nicholas Pryor is the corporate owner.. a trifecta of ‘80s slime ball bad guys.
Do you root for the 7th Heaven wannabe cowboy who kidnaps a woman because he needs to prove Haley’s Comet sound waves can produce clean energy? I was rooting for Svenson. He rules in this.
Chuck Bail may not be an A list exploitation auteur but he directed Black Samson, the Cleopatra Jones sequel, my beloved The Gumball Rally, and portrayed the stunt coordinator in The Stunt Man basically playing himself.
As todays category is Exploitation Auteurs, I decided i wanted to watch a feature length documentary of one of my Mount Rushmore Auteurs......
Frank Henenlotter
I was then crushed to find that, as of early morning today, i couldnt find a dedicated documentary on this genius!?! This is an egregious error that i hope someone, someday soon, resolves. That being said, i found something close enough to scratch my itch.......
Whats in the Basket? (2012)
This is a feature length documentary covering the Basket Case trilogy. I loooooved it as its mostly reflections with Henenlotter. He is always a captivating storyteller with a laid back, sarcastic, easygoing, honest take on his work and process. This doc leans heavest on the brilliant work that is the original Basket Case with alot of the key players above/below the line directly involved. Fascinating stuff! Also there's a little bit of side stories tied to Frankenhooker which I will be revisiting before the end of Junesploitation (Squee!). I think Frank is a mad scientist genius director and this doc only furthered my admiration of him and his work.
Tura Satana and Stuart Lancaster are completely unhinged. Surprisingly gorgeous with some spicy dialogue. Would make a phenomenal double bill with Spider baby.
Trying to summarize a Godfrey Ho film is like trying to hold water in your hands, but here goes: An ancient feud between the Black Ninja Clan and the Diamond Ninja Empire is reignited by the discovery of a long-lost tomb. Meanwhile, in what feels like a completely different movie, a guy named Gordon is just trying to take photos of his girlfriend in Hong Kong when he gets harassed by some Caucasian thugs and has to kick some ass. Naturally, all these threads collide in a nonsensical whirlwind of mismatched footage, ridiculous dubbing and enough neon-colored ninja headbands to supply a small army.
As for the cast, Richard Harrison remains the undisputed king of the Godfrey Ho era. Harrison was a veteran of Italian peplum and spaghetti westerns who found himself trapped in a cycle of IFD Films productions. He plays the Ninja Master with the weary, thousand-yard stare of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing, but is clearly just here for the paycheck. At least he has that cool Garfield phone again, making me feel like his complaints that IFD kept reusing his footage from one movie to make so many more are true.
If you haven’t seen one of his movies, Godfrey Ho was the master of the cut-and-paste technique, a hallmark of the IFD Films & Arts studio. The reality behind Diamond Ninja Force—like many of his films—is a Frankenstein operation. Ho would take an existing, unrelated Asian action film (often a low-budget Taiwanese or Thai martial arts flick) and splice in new, original footage of Western actors wearing ninja gear. The tone shifts wildly between a gritty Hong Kong crime drama and a surreal, plotless ninja fantasy. The scenes involving the Western actors rarely interact with the original film’s cast; they just stand in front of a wall or a tree, talk about the mission, and then engage in slow-motion ninja fights. Sometimes, there is a phone call.
This takes the 1986 Taiwanese movie Ghost Rapist/Demons Apartment as its base, and then we have scenes of Harrison fighting and taking photos. Yes, a ninja movie mixed with a movie where a ghost haunts a family and is all horny about it. This is the magic cocktail that only an IFD movie could deliver.
“Fanny, it’s only nerves,” a husband assures his wife, worried about rotting fruit and black cats. Fanny Wong. That’s a name. And then dudes call her while dressed in soccer clothes. Meanwhile, death threats over selling land and a samurai in Mario Bava lighting. Magic.
Godfrey Ho remains the king of just outright lifting music. This time, we get songs from Jean Michel Jarre’s Rendez-Vous, “Endless” by Kraftwerk, a Macross II song, some Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark, “Who Are You” by The Who, some of the Death Wish 2 and Thief scores and who knows what else. Oh! Some Stweart Copeland? Godfrey Ho movies anticipate the need to use Shazam (or know way too many Tangerine Dream songs).
Well, you know what comes next. Only a ninja can stop a ninja. “I promise I’ll avenge you,” says Harrison, speaking in perhaps another movie, endlessly repeated throughout the IFD catalog, all while ghosts haunt Fanny and family.
This is a movie where a ninja tells another, “You’re on my death list,” and slams the receiver into the back of Garfield, right before a father reminds his son not to wet the bed. Harrison does what he does best — put on a bright ninja suit and guyliner to stop other ninjas while surrounded by enough candles to make a Police video — while Poltergeist moments happen to Bobo and ghost women jill off while watching his parents have sex.
Life is unpredictable and horrible at times, so the joy of knowing I can watch neon ninjas fight Americans on vacation wearing short shorts whenever I want keeps me going. I wish I could inject these movies into my eyes like heroin.
ATLAS (1961) In ancient Greece, a king wants the mighty yet pacifist hero Atlas to fight in a war. It backfires on the king, as Atlas ends up fighting against him alongside the rebels. Good ol’ Roger Corman hoped this would be his first big-budget production. But of course the financing didn’t pan out, leaving us with a cheapie playing at being a historic epic. It’s a lot of haughty drama and very little sword battles. A trial scene in the middle of the movie goes on for so long that it feels like it’s still going on as I write this. You never see Atlas on any “Best of Roger Corman” lists, and now I know why.
30 days of fan films, day 23: LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS: BUCCANEER (2025) Set during the events of Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag, this movie follows a second assassin pirate and his crew. They’re searching for yet another piece of Eden, and they hope to find it before the Templars do. It starts out awfully dry and talky, and I worried that the movie would spend the entire runtime inside this one tavern. But things improve once it goes on location. I don’t know what beach they used for filming, but it sure looks pirate-y. And then things go full-on fan film when a familiar face shows up. I see that writer/director/star Ian Wattenberg has made a bunch of these, so maybe I’ll check out more.
A Junesploitation classic, and my long overdue first encounter with Andy Sidaris. This movie is like an altered state of consciousness. I'm not generally known as someone who hoots and hollers, but I hooted and hollered through the whole thing. I should also note that my onscreen b00b-count this month is off-the charts, and it's only partly by design. Then there's also the bazooka, the toxic snake, the razor frisbee... I was shocked to see that the main guy was played by Ronn Moss, star of iconic (?) soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful. Then I found out that he also used to be in the 1970s band Player, of the "Baby Come Back" fame. Obviously, my respect for the guy went through the roof after all that.
I can’t summarize this flick better than what Google search gave me: “An unusually proportioned secret agent uses her unique anatomy to spy on the members of an international drug ring.”
Chesty Morgan IS Double Agent 73! And her left b@@b contains a hidden camera! And she snaps A LOT of photos (exactly where the lens is, I have no idea, but that's quibbling)! She also fends off many mustachioed henchmen on the way to the biggest, er… bust of her career! There’s plenty of odd 70s interior decorating details and questionable fashion choices to keep you entertained, as well. Wishman’s follow-up to the Chesty revenge flick DEADLY WEAPONS is more competently filmed than its predecessor (allow the bar is pretty low), but I missed the breast-smothering vengeance of DW. I did, however, enjoy the b@@b-swinging beatdown Chesty laid on one of her swarthy stalkers. For the uninitiated, Doris also directed s*xploitation classics BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL, ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MAN, and NUDE ON THE MOON, the transgender pseudo-doc LET ME DIE A WOMAN, and the incredibly unhinged horror A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER. A truly groundbreaking woman exploitationer!
"...fends off many mustachioed henchmen on the way to the biggest bust of her career". Ladies and gentleman, may i present to you the best quote of Junesploitation.
A New Orleans policewoman goes undercover in a women's prison and helps a trio of jewel thieves escape so they can lead her to their stash of stolen diamonds, hidden in the swamp. To get there, they kidnap a geologist and steal his boat.
Go to the swamp outside New Orleans with a camera, half a dozen decent actors, a boat and a fake crocodile. Splice in some B-roll footage of a real crocodile and a helicopter flying overhead, and get a good composer to write some moody music for you, and you've got yourself an adequate Roger Corman movie.
Adequate is the word. This movie's entirely adequate for what it is, but I'd be surprised if I remembered any of it next month. Mike Connors rolling around in the water with a plastic crocodile is the closest this movie gets to thrilling. The second closest thing was clearly unintentional: in prison, one of the inmates climbs onto the top bunk and almost topples the entire bunkbed.
The Driller Killer (1979, dir. Abel Ferrara)
A struggling young artist living in New York (Ferrara himself) is out of money, stressed about completing his new painting, and bothered by the rock band constantly rehearsing next door. His grip on reality slowly unwinds as he sees disturbing hallucinations and imagines himself committing violent acts. Soon his imagination turns into reality as he takes to the streets of New York, armed with a power drill.
Frantic, sleazy, chaotic, loud and claustrophobic, Ferrara doesn't make late 70's New York look like a pleasant place. Can't blame a guy living there for descending into madness.
Although there's gore, the movie's not nearly as violent as its reputation, place on the Video Nasties list, and that one iconic poster image might suggest. It's much more of a psychodrama about one man's descent into madness than a slasher, and much more interesting for it.
'ONE AND DONE' DOUBLE TROUBLE!
ReplyDelete127.- JOHN DE HART: CHAMPAGNE AND BULLETS, aka GETEVEN (1993, FAWESOME)
A heavyweight contender to challenge Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" as the most epic vanity project ever made, "C&B's" writer/producer/director/singer John De Hart doesn't let the fact his on-screen middle-aged persona is not good at anything he portrays (sex God to a much younger woman, Shakespearean monologuer, Southern California policeman, would-be alcoholic, badass Rambo-type hero, etc.) interfere with the fantasy of his Rick Bode character's charmed life. Whether it's singing 'Shimmy Slide' to a roomful of drunk cowboy patrons (the opening act to an actual strip show) and trying to fight the lies of his former boss (William Smith) that got him kicked off the police, or helping a friend in need (Wings Hauser, leaving no alcohol container half-full or background scenery not chewed) when his inner demons push him to the brink, Rick is the friend/lover we all wish we had. But it's only in the movie's last 15 minutes, when the cultists that Bode's just-married wife Cindy (Pamela Bryant) used to be a part of before they sacrificed her baby to Satan (!) come back for payback, that our hero turns to his pistol crossbow and puts on the camo tank top.
Except for De Hart giving Smith and Hauser plenty of screentime rather than hugging the camera all to himself (not a problem since every other character comments how amazing Rick Bode is), this is a must-watch for so-bad-it's-good movie connoisseurs. 4.75 EXTRAS BITCH-SLAPPED BY A DRUNK WINGS HAUSER ON THE FLOOR OF A CROWDED BAR (out of five).
You mentioned this one when suggesting Vanity Projects! as a Junesploitation! category-- it'd been on my watchlist for a minute but I hadn't got to it. Thanks for the inspiration to get this one on my next Bad Movie Night triple bill!
DeleteYou're welcome. 😁 Prepare/steel yourself, this is hardcore stuff. 😜
DeleteNever heard of this. 4.75 drunk Wings Hauser sounds like a winner to me.
DeleteChampagne and Bullets is a pretty great pick! I saw it a few months ago and was very entertained. Just one special moment is during a bedroom scene where the lady does a very silly strip/dance followed by De Hart handing his drink to an off-camera worker who's not in the scene.
DeleteThere are a couple of different cuts of this—I saw "Champagne and Bullets" and the only drawback for me was that it dragged in a couple of moments that went on too long. I think the HDTGM podcast pointed out the changes that exist in the "GetEven" and "Road to Revenge" cuts.
zillagord-- As a big fan of bad movies, let me share a couple in case they're under the radar for you!
DeleteBeretta's Island 1993, same year as C&B! You never have to wait long for something laughable, and the whole thing feels like an excuse for the writer/star Franco Columbu to get paid to visit his homeland. Bonus: Arnold Schwarzenegger—in his prime—is in a scene as a favor to Columbu (who was his bodybuilding friend).
Lady Terminator 1988, a loose Indonesian ripoff of Terminator. Bad writing, weird side characters, crazy gunfights... so good. There's a very awkward scene in a bar early on that has me shaking my head right now.
The Boxer’s Omen 1983, a HK Action movie I just came across on Arrow player last June. This blew me away visually in so many ways... creatures, mutilations, magic, etc. A must see!
128.- MARK SWETLAND: BLOOD AND STEEL (1990, AMAZON RENTAL). Streaming on TUBI, FAWESOME, XUMO PLAY, CINEVERSE.
ReplyDeleteA love letter to Bruce Lee with a capital 'L,' "Blood and Steel" starts like a slasher (two girls are killed by a knife-wielding masked man) only because it needs to establish that the sister of martial arts expert 'Mark Swetland' (played by one-man-band Mark Swetland, who looks like "He-Man's" Prince Adam) is one of the victims. Somehow this ties up with a drug ring involving bikers, bosses/workers at a steel mill, and a bad martial arts sensei (which I guess makes his students villains?) who's first on the receiving end of Mark's angry wrath. Muffled sound makes dialogue at times unintelligible, but the story's so simple only the connecting tissue is missing. We're here to see a hero kick ass, and Mark Swetland is the real 'DIY' deal. Camera work is surprisingly fluid and directing/editing/fight choreography (all by Swetland) competent. Whether Mark's fighting, making suggestive poses with nunchucks, throwing high kicks or elbowing opponents into unconsciousness, he showcases the product of years of training that only a true Bruce Lee fanatic would endure. He also has a sense of humor ('Missed!' 🤣), and enough friends/martial arts students to help him throw exploding bikes off cliffs and stage group fights worthy of "Miami Connection" comparisons. The rare vanity project where the centerpiece of attention earns the right to be self-centered. 4.5 SHAGGED CARPETS IN FRONT OF OPEN FIREPLACES ABOUT TO CATCH FIRE (out of five).
129.- MICHAEL WINNER: THE MECHANIC (1972, KINO LORBER BLU-RAY). Also streaming on ROKU CHANNEL, TUBI, PLUTO.
ReplyDeleteBefore their reign of low-budget projects at Cannon Films in the 1980's, director Michael Winner and Charles Bronson made some "classier" movies together. You know, the type where pictures/paintings of topless women hang on walls.😉😰Their 2nd collaboration, "The Mechanic," (after "Chato's Land" the same year) was the "John Wick" of its era (ERA!) with a healthy dash of James Bond fantasy (binoculars with camera attachments, C4 explosives with manual timers, etc.) mixed into its tale of methodical, high-class assassin Arthur Bishop (Bronson) working for a secret 'Organization.' After being forced to eliminate his closest friend/confidant, Arthur takes eager-to-learn young buck Steve (Jan-Michael Vincent) as his protégé on his next couple of assignments. Things unravel on a rush job in Naples (including the same town where Denzel Washington goes to live in "The Equalizer III"), testing the men's loyalty to one another and their employer. Jill Ireland shows up as a high-priced prost!tute because, well, it's either that or Bronson would have walked off the picture. 😠There are a few good car/motorcycle chases and big 'splosions, but "The Mechanic" is worth seeing for the chemistry between veteran Bronson and rookie Vincent constantly trying to outsmart and outthink one another. Hitchcock was right, it's fun to watch experts being good at their job. 4.05 $100-A-PIECE "LOVE" LETTERS (out of five).
130.- JOHN DEREK: GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT (1989, BLU-RAY). Also streaming on AMAZON PRIME, TUBI, CINEVERSE, FAWESOME.
ReplyDeleteAs if plowing a pre-"Dr. No" Ursula Andress (1960's) and young Linda Evans (early 70's) wasn't enough, actor/cinematographer-turned-director John Derek married 30-years-her-senior Bo Derek in 1976. Then he spent the 80's making movies about how beautiful his wife was (a "10," most people would say! 😲🫣): "Fantasies," "Tarzan The Ape Man," "Bolero." The story/direction for these was mediocre at best, but the attractive star sure didn't mind constantly giving paying customers the full frontal. But the height of John Derek's vanity became fully realized in his last directorial effort, "Ghost Can't Do It."
Released five years after the couple's last collaboration (the aforementioned "Bolero"), the story has Derek's much-older husband Scott (Anthony Quinn) suffering a debilitating heart attack that renders him impotent. So the old man offs himself (what's the point of being married to Bo if you can't f*ck her?), but a kind angel (Julie 'Catwoman' Newmar) approves of afterlife Scott's plan to re-enter the living in a much younger man's body to please the dying-to-have-sex-again-with-Scott Derek's repressed er0tic appetite. With Scott changing clothes (!) and constantly talking from the afterlife to his Earth-bound wife that can hear his rantings (ala "Ghost," which came out around the same time in the States), some corporate intrigue about Scott's business empire and threats of danger (a would-be pool assassin that jams some pills up Bo's... posterior, off-camera! 😳), "Ghosts Can't Do It" is old man fantasies dialed up to 11. An older friend of the family and colleague of Scott's, Winston (Don Murray), isn't an automatic turn-off for Derek despite plenty of younger men around Bo at all times. WHAT??!! 🤣😅 The sincerity with which the horrible dialogue wants us to believe we're emotionally invested in Bo and Scott getting back together corporally elevates this from embarrassing to guilty pleasure supreme. 3.85 'AND YES, THAT WAS THE REAL DONALD TRUMP' CLOSING CREDITS (out of five).
I’ve seen bad movies and this…
Delete... is one of them. 😁🥶
Deletebwahahahaha perfect one/two punch comments.
DeleteBONUS: 30 DAYS OF PINK PANTHER & FRIENDS, DAY 23! (Yes, we took Day 22 off. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄)
ReplyDelete131.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: OLYM-PINKS (2/22/1980, YOUTUBE)
With his Saturday morning cartoon shows on network TV over (only syndicated repeats from then on), The Pink Panther started the 1980's relegated to two half-hour themed animated specials on ABC. First was "Olim-Pinks," a winter sports-themed cartoon tied around the Lake Placid, NY Winter Olympics of 1980. A rivalry between The Little Man (who is back at being all-white after being animated in color during the last batch of animated shorts) and the Panther develops from the moment they board the train to Lake Placid, all the way through various sporting events (sled, high jump, slalom skiing, etc.). Directed by Friz Freleng (his last 'PP' contribution before leaving DePatie-Freleng Enterprises and returning to Warner Bros.), there are a lot of dumb and boring gags (a piano chasing the Panther from a hotel all the way through electrical wires and snow courses) and some clever/funny ones (' ̶W̶O̶M̶E̶N̶'̶S̶ MEN'S BATHROOM' 🤣) with a lot of average-at-best recycled comedy in-between. And the most insane part was when the Pink Panther helped the no-good team of U.S. Men's Hockey rookies win against The Little Man's U.S.S.R. powerhouse Hockey dynasty. Those wacky cartoon writers, what other crazy idea will they come up with next? 😉😛2.85 $0.35-CENT MEATBALLS (out of five).
132.- THE PINK PANTHER IN: PINK AT FIRST SIGHT (2/14/1981, YOUTUBE)
DeleteNow this is a weird one, a 30 min. Valentine's Day network TV special (the first made by Marvel Animation after it swallowed DFE in a corporate merger) about a cartoon character that never had an official female counterpart (ala Bugs Bunny's Lola Bunny). In "Pink At First Sight" a jealous and broke Pink Panther (no money in his pockets, a recurring theme since the 60's animated theatrical shorts) watches as everybody around him has a loved one around their arms. He even starts fantasizing that some human ladies (and even a teddy bear from a crying baby) are a sexy, female version of... himself (with furry chest and protruding bottom... yikes! 🥶🥵). A wrong delivery of a Valentine's Gift meant for someone else makes the Panther follow a messenger to a bustling workplace where messengers are needed to make all the deliveries for that special day. With visions of cash in his head, the Panther "buys" a cassette player and some tapes to lip-synch his way into his customer's hearts.
Oh, did I mention almost all human characters around the PP speak? It's weird hearing dialogue around a silent protagonist even though The Panther never talks, only lip-synchs public domain songs. Despite some old-fashioned cartoon gags like gangsters coming after our hero (some of them voiced by Frank Welker) and an overall sense of 'meh,' the weirdness of so much spoken dialogue and the protagonist daydreaming about a sexy version of himself lifts this special to a higher score than I anticipated. A generous 3.6 ANGRY GOLFERS DRIVING THEIR CARS INTO THE DRINK (out of five).
TOKUGAWA S-E-X BAN: LUSTFUL LORD (1972, dir. Norifumi Suzuki)
ReplyDeleteNorifumi Suzuki was involved in many Japanese exploitation genres in the 1960s and 1970s. The pinky violence films and the nunsploitation film School of the Holy Beast are probably what he is best-known for now, but he also sometimes worked in the s-e-x films side of the industry. With Tokugawa S-e-x Ban and the later film Star of David: Hunting Beautiful Girls, the mingling of titillation with outbursts of violence created some unusual (and sometimes uncomfortable) viewing experiences.
The story of Tokugawa S-e-x Ban follows a feudal lord as he discovers the pleasures of the flesh with a French p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e. When she becomes the lord's mistress, his new wife is not happy about it, nor are the people around the lord. The wife just happens to be the Shogun's daughter, which can bring trouble for everyone. Frustrated with this meddling in his personal affairs, the lord decrees a ban on all s-e-x-u-a-l activity in his domain, punishable by death. The tone varies between being comedic, serious, and deliberately absurd. The lord ordering a woman to commit harakiri while her boyfriend has to act as the assistant to cut off her head typifies the strange tone of the film. There are also goofy moments of people literally being driven crazy by the ban.
The pinky violence films are the best place to start with Suzuki's output. Tokugawa S-e-x Ban ends up being a bizarre outlier in his career.
Though only a recent category, Exploitation Auteurs is one that I have come to appreciate because of its flexibility. I was pleased to find a way to squeeze this film in this month.
DeleteCHOKE CANYON (1986) dir. Charles Bail
ReplyDeleteA ripped, Harvard educated, clean-energy research scientist fights back against the nuclear waste dumping corporation that reneged on his 99-year lease of… Choke Canyon.
Lance Hendriksen is the corporate fixer but isn’t given much to do. Bo Svenson is the Terminator-like corporate muscle. Nicholas Pryor is the corporate owner.. a trifecta of ‘80s slime ball bad guys.
Do you root for the 7th Heaven wannabe cowboy who kidnaps a woman because he needs to prove Haley’s Comet sound waves can produce clean energy? I was rooting for Svenson. He rules in this.
Chuck Bail may not be an A list exploitation auteur but he directed Black Samson, the Cleopatra Jones sequel, my beloved The Gumball Rally, and portrayed the stunt coordinator in The Stunt Man basically playing himself.
As todays category is Exploitation Auteurs, I decided i wanted to watch a feature length documentary of one of my Mount Rushmore Auteurs......
ReplyDeleteFrank Henenlotter
I was then crushed to find that, as of early morning today, i couldnt find a dedicated documentary on this genius!?! This is an egregious error that i hope someone, someday soon, resolves. That being said, i found something close enough to scratch my itch.......
Whats in the Basket? (2012)
This is a feature length documentary covering the Basket Case trilogy. I loooooved it as its mostly reflections with Henenlotter. He is always a captivating storyteller with a laid back, sarcastic, easygoing, honest take on his work and process. This doc leans heavest on the brilliant work that is the original Basket Case with alot of the key players above/below the line directly involved. Fascinating stuff! Also there's a little bit of side stories tied to Frankenhooker which I will be revisiting before the end of Junesploitation (Squee!). I think Frank is a mad scientist genius director and this doc only furthered my admiration of him and his work.
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (Russ Meyer - 1965)
ReplyDeleteTura Satana and Stuart Lancaster are completely unhinged. Surprisingly gorgeous with some spicy dialogue. Would make a phenomenal double bill with Spider baby.
Another perfect pick for Auteur o the Day.
DeleteMay have been my first Russ! Had a great time.
DeleteDiamond Ninja Force (1988)
ReplyDeleteTrying to summarize a Godfrey Ho film is like trying to hold water in your hands, but here goes: An ancient feud between the Black Ninja Clan and the Diamond Ninja Empire is reignited by the discovery of a long-lost tomb. Meanwhile, in what feels like a completely different movie, a guy named Gordon is just trying to take photos of his girlfriend in Hong Kong when he gets harassed by some Caucasian thugs and has to kick some ass. Naturally, all these threads collide in a nonsensical whirlwind of mismatched footage, ridiculous dubbing and enough neon-colored ninja headbands to supply a small army.
As for the cast, Richard Harrison remains the undisputed king of the Godfrey Ho era. Harrison was a veteran of Italian peplum and spaghetti westerns who found himself trapped in a cycle of IFD Films productions. He plays the Ninja Master with the weary, thousand-yard stare of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing, but is clearly just here for the paycheck. At least he has that cool Garfield phone again, making me feel like his complaints that IFD kept reusing his footage from one movie to make so many more are true.
If you haven’t seen one of his movies, Godfrey Ho was the master of the cut-and-paste technique, a hallmark of the IFD Films & Arts studio. The reality behind Diamond Ninja Force—like many of his films—is a Frankenstein operation. Ho would take an existing, unrelated Asian action film (often a low-budget Taiwanese or Thai martial arts flick) and splice in new, original footage of Western actors wearing ninja gear. The tone shifts wildly between a gritty Hong Kong crime drama and a surreal, plotless ninja fantasy. The scenes involving the Western actors rarely interact with the original film’s cast; they just stand in front of a wall or a tree, talk about the mission, and then engage in slow-motion ninja fights. Sometimes, there is a phone call.
This takes the 1986 Taiwanese movie Ghost Rapist/Demons Apartment as its base, and then we have scenes of Harrison fighting and taking photos. Yes, a ninja movie mixed with a movie where a ghost haunts a family and is all horny about it. This is the magic cocktail that only an IFD movie could deliver.
“Fanny, it’s only nerves,” a husband assures his wife, worried about rotting fruit and black cats. Fanny Wong. That’s a name. And then dudes call her while dressed in soccer clothes. Meanwhile, death threats over selling land and a samurai in Mario Bava lighting. Magic.
Godfrey Ho remains the king of just outright lifting music. This time, we get songs from Jean Michel Jarre’s Rendez-Vous, “Endless” by Kraftwerk, a Macross II song, some Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark, “Who Are You” by The Who, some of the Death Wish 2 and Thief scores and who knows what else. Oh! Some Stweart Copeland? Godfrey Ho movies anticipate the need to use Shazam (or know way too many Tangerine Dream songs).
Well, you know what comes next. Only a ninja can stop a ninja. “I promise I’ll avenge you,” says Harrison, speaking in perhaps another movie, endlessly repeated throughout the IFD catalog, all while ghosts haunt Fanny and family.
This is a movie where a ninja tells another, “You’re on my death list,” and slams the receiver into the back of Garfield, right before a father reminds his son not to wet the bed. Harrison does what he does best — put on a bright ninja suit and guyliner to stop other ninjas while surrounded by enough candles to make a Police video — while Poltergeist moments happen to Bobo and ghost women jill off while watching his parents have sex.
Life is unpredictable and horrible at times, so the joy of knowing I can watch neon ninjas fight Americans on vacation wearing short shorts whenever I want keeps me going. I wish I could inject these movies into my eyes like heroin.
Oh i MUST see this one. Soon. Thanks!
DeleteMashke, you definitely need to explore this and other Ho offerings!!
DeleteZillagord: Huzaa! As one who grew up obsessed with Ninja flicks, he's very much on my radar but i think i have a LOT of gaps.
DeleteATLAS (1961)
ReplyDeleteIn ancient Greece, a king wants the mighty yet pacifist hero Atlas to fight in a war. It backfires on the king, as Atlas ends up fighting against him alongside the rebels. Good ol’ Roger Corman hoped this would be his first big-budget production. But of course the financing didn’t pan out, leaving us with a cheapie playing at being a historic epic. It’s a lot of haughty drama and very little sword battles. A trial scene in the middle of the movie goes on for so long that it feels like it’s still going on as I write this. You never see Atlas on any “Best of Roger Corman” lists, and now I know why.
30 days of fan films, day 23: LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS: BUCCANEER (2025)
Set during the events of Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag, this movie follows a second assassin pirate and his crew. They’re searching for yet another piece of Eden, and they hope to find it before the Templars do. It starts out awfully dry and talky, and I worried that the movie would spend the entire runtime inside this one tavern. But things improve once it goes on location. I don’t know what beach they used for filming, but it sure looks pirate-y. And then things go full-on fan film when a familiar face shows up. I see that writer/director/star Ian Wattenberg has made a bunch of these, so maybe I’ll check out more.
Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
ReplyDeleteA Junesploitation classic, and my long overdue first encounter with Andy Sidaris. This movie is like an altered state of consciousness. I'm not generally known as someone who hoots and hollers, but I hooted and hollered through the whole thing. I should also note that my onscreen b00b-count this month is off-the charts, and it's only partly by design. Then there's also the bazooka, the toxic snake, the razor frisbee... I was shocked to see that the main guy was played by Ronn Moss, star of iconic (?) soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful. Then I found out that he also used to be in the 1970s band Player, of the "Baby Come Back" fame. Obviously, my respect for the guy went through the roof after all that.
Andy Sidaris is a great pick for the day! Ive only dabbled in his filmography but i think you picked his "best".
DeleteDOUBLE AGENT 73 (1974, Doris Wishman)
ReplyDeleteI can’t summarize this flick better than what Google search gave me:
“An unusually proportioned secret agent uses her unique anatomy to spy on the members of an international drug ring.”
Chesty Morgan IS Double Agent 73! And her left b@@b contains a hidden camera! And she snaps A LOT of photos (exactly where the lens is, I have no idea, but that's quibbling)! She also fends off many mustachioed henchmen on the way to the biggest, er… bust of her career! There’s plenty of odd 70s interior decorating details and questionable fashion choices to keep you entertained, as well. Wishman’s follow-up to the Chesty revenge flick DEADLY WEAPONS is more competently filmed than its predecessor (allow the bar is pretty low), but I missed the breast-smothering vengeance of DW. I did, however, enjoy the b@@b-swinging beatdown Chesty laid on one of her swarthy stalkers. For the uninitiated, Doris also directed s*xploitation classics BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL, ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MAN, and NUDE ON THE MOON, the transgender pseudo-doc LET ME DIE A WOMAN, and the incredibly unhinged horror A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER. A truly groundbreaking woman exploitationer!
"...fends off many mustachioed henchmen on the way to the biggest bust of her career". Ladies and gentleman, may i present to you the best quote of Junesploitation.
DeleteSwamp Women (1956, dir. Roger Corman)
ReplyDeleteA New Orleans policewoman goes undercover in a women's prison and helps a trio of jewel thieves escape so they can lead her to their stash of stolen diamonds, hidden in the swamp. To get there, they kidnap a geologist and steal his boat.
Go to the swamp outside New Orleans with a camera, half a dozen decent actors, a boat and a fake crocodile. Splice in some B-roll footage of a real crocodile and a helicopter flying overhead, and get a good composer to write some moody music for you, and you've got yourself an adequate Roger Corman movie.
Adequate is the word. This movie's entirely adequate for what it is, but I'd be surprised if I remembered any of it next month. Mike Connors rolling around in the water with a plastic crocodile is the closest this movie gets to thrilling. The second closest thing was clearly unintentional: in prison, one of the inmates climbs onto the top bunk and almost topples the entire bunkbed.
The Driller Killer (1979, dir. Abel Ferrara)
A struggling young artist living in New York (Ferrara himself) is out of money, stressed about completing his new painting, and bothered by the rock band constantly rehearsing next door. His grip on reality slowly unwinds as he sees disturbing hallucinations and imagines himself committing violent acts. Soon his imagination turns into reality as he takes to the streets of New York, armed with a power drill.
Frantic, sleazy, chaotic, loud and claustrophobic, Ferrara doesn't make late 70's New York look like a pleasant place. Can't blame a guy living there for descending into madness.
Although there's gore, the movie's not nearly as violent as its reputation, place on the Video Nasties list, and that one iconic poster image might suggest. It's much more of a psychodrama about one man's descent into madness than a slasher, and much more interesting for it.