Take Two: BATTLEFIELD EARTH

by Patrick Bromley

I had high hopes for this one in 2000, less so in 2026.

Take Two: THE FANTASIC FOUR (1994)

 by Patrick Bromley

Currently the best Fantastic Four movie.

1998 Month Rewind: TAKE TWO: GODZILLA

 by Patrick Bromley

Roland Emmerich makes two kinds of stupid movies: fun stupid and bad stupid. Independence Day? Fun stupid. 10,000 B.C.? Bad stupid. Stargate? Fun stupid. The Patriot? Bad stupid. 2012? Fun stupid and bad stupid.

His 1998 remake of Godzilla should have been two tons of fun stupid. Instead, it's stupid stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Take Two: JURASSIC WORLD

 by Patrick Bromley

This is the second best Jurassic Park movie.

Take Two: TERRIFIER

 by Patrick Bromley

I might have finally reconciled my feelings about this one.

Take Two: The Happening

by Patrick Bromley

It's just as bad as I remember. Maybe worse.

Take Two: Ghosts of Mars

by Patrick Bromley

The movie that broke John Carpenter.

Take Two: The Mangler

by Patrick Bromley

This is a movie only a Tobe Hooper apologist could love. Luckily, I am that Tobe Hooper apologist.

Take Two: Shocker

by Patrick Bromley

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Take Two: Alien vs. Predator

by Patrick Bromley

I hate Alien vs. Predator, but not for the reasons you think. I hate it because it's a garbage movie that fails to capitalize on its potential in even the slightest degree and because it shits on two film series that I dearly love. Ok, maybe those are the reasons you think.

Take Two: Zombie

by Patrick Bromley

Someone is going to have to explain this to me.

Take Two: Gigli

by Patrick Bromley

People can't talk about Gigli without being assholes. It has become a cheap, easy punchline, used mostly by people who have never seen the movie. Not that people really need to see it.

Take Two: Snakes on a Plane

by Patrick Bromley

The first time I saw this movie, I did not like it. I have watched it again, and I still do not like it. I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane.

Movies I Love: Django Unchained

There wasn't a movie I was more excited about in 2012 than Django Unchained, the seventh film from Quentin Tarantino. I saw it. I loved it. It took the number two slot on the list of my favorite movies of the year. But that was on a single viewing, and I knew I wanted -- nay, needed -- to see it again.

Now I've watched it twice in a week, and I love it even more.

Take Two: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

by Patrick Bromley

Knowing is half the battle.

Take Two: Jason X

by Patrick Bromley

I once thought Jason X belonged at the bottom of the Friday the 13th barrel. It doesn't.

Take Two: Clash of the Titans (2010)

Just in time for the sequel to hit, I rewatched Louis Leterrier's 2010 remake of Clash of the Titans, hoping to find something there I missed two years ago. It. Was. A. Drag.

Take Two: Sherlock Holmes

There are so many more fascinating things about the 2009 version of Sherlock Holmes than there are in the 2009 version of Sherlock Holmes, and that's backwards. Like the fact that it made over half a billion dollars worldwide, despite the fact that it's very boring. Or the fact that it somehow made Guy Ritchie -- who had previously been all but written off -- an A-list director. Or that it coasts on the not-insubstantial charm of Robert Downey Jr., who is the only thing worth seeing about the movie despite being kind of miscast, and who was written off himself at one point in time. The movie is a triumph of comeback potential. It should be so good. It is not.

It made a bunch of money, though, and people really like Robert Downey Jr. (he's maybe just behind Johnny Depp in the dreamboat-it's-ok-to-like-for-both-girls-and-guys department), so, of course, there's a sequel coming out this week. That's right: more Holmes for the Holidays. Excuse me while I barf on this pile of other barf.

Take Two: Masters of the Universe

by Patrick Bromley

I must not have been the most discerning of 10-year olds, because at one point in my life I thought Masters of the Universe was a pretty ok movie. That's weird, because it's not as though I liked every movie I saw at age 10. 1987 was the same year I saw Spaceballs and didn't like it at all, and it was the one first-run movie my family saw that year. We were supposed to see Harry and the Hendersons (though I really wanted to see Predator), which I saw on video several months later and really didn't like either. That movie is still terrible and anyone who likes it shouldn't be trusted. I'm serious. What I'm saying is that I did have some sort of shit detector even at 10, and for some reason the He-Man movie didn't set it off.

Take Two: Transformers

by Patrick Bromley

I didn't like Michael Bay's Transformers when I saw it on opening night back in 2007. I thought it was noisy and busy and silly and condescending, and that it turned what might have been a movie about giant robots from outer space engaged in an epic battle into a movie about giant robots from outer space hiding in the backyard. By the very next day, though, I was told how wrong I was by just about every person who had seen it. Everyone liked this movie -- at the time, anyway -- and the insane box office (and the fact that there have been two sequels) reflects that: the movie grossed over $700 million worldwide. The more people told me how much they enjoyed it, the more I got to thinking about how much I didn't enjoy it, and, as is my way, I dug my heels in even deeper and started to shit-talk the movie as much as possible. But now, with four years behind me and just a few days away from the release of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I got to thinking maybe I was just being too hard on Transformers. Maybe I needed to see it again to appreciate the movie it is and not the one I was thinking it would be. Maybe it's more epic and exciting than I remember. Maybe, as summer blockbusters go, Transformers isn't half bad.

Nope. I was right. This fucking movie is horrible.